On the Joys of Rooting Both For and Against the Arizona Cardinals Tonight

Kurt Warner

Kurt Warner Photo Credit: Icon SMI

By Brian Spencer

Oh, the complicated webs we find ourselves entangled in during these waning weeks of the NFL season.

Everybody still in the hunt for their fantasy football championship has their own “unbelievable” story, and we’re no different. There’s plenty on the line tonight when the Arizona Cardinals take on the San Francisco 49ers, and I personally find myself in the awkward position of having to root for both a convincing Cardinals win and for the fearsome WR twosome of Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald to have relatively quiet nights (especially Fitzgerald). Here’s why:

– In one fantasy league, I hold a 20-point advantage over my opponent, who starts Larry Fitzgerald, for the right to advance to the semifinals. Two scores and the yardage that would accompany it would be enough to vanquish me; one score and under 100 yards, probably not.

– Not quite as nail-biting in ETB’s league, where I was forced to start Omar Ganther, Jason Snelling, and Ryan Moats as my three RBs and ended up posting a season-high in points with 155 (thank you, DeSean Jackson). It’ll take a monster effort from Boldin to make up his owner’s 40-point deficit, but stranger things have happened: last year, Boldin caught 7 passes for 140 yards and 3 TDs against the Miami Dolphins, so there’s some history here.

– Finally, we need the Cards to cover the 2 ½ point spread. If they do, we’ll (finally) win our weekly pick-em pool at Ye Olde Watering Hole by getting all seven of our picks correct, and be rewarded with a handsome prize of 1,000+ “points”. This would have happened some months ago if not for a stupid kicker.

With all of this in mind, here’s tonight’s totally objective fantasy football forecast:

Arizona Cardinals

Kurt Warner: 23-30, 243 yards, 2 TDs, 0 INTs
Larry Fitzgerald: 6 catches, 64 yards, 0 TDs
Anquan Boldin: 6 catches, 75 yards, 1 TD
Steve Breaston: 7 catches, 94 yards, 1 TD
Beanie Wells: 25 carries for 149 yards, 4 TDs
Arizona DEF: 6 points allowed, 3 INTs, 4 sacks, 2 fumble recoveries

San Francisco 49ers

Alex Smith: 10-35, 94 yards, 0 TDs, 3 INTs
Frank Gore: 17 carries, 85 yards, 0 TDs
Vernon Davis: 4 catches, 25 yards, 0 TDs
Everybody Else: Not a fucking thing

Play well as a team tonight, Cardinals, but Fitzgerald and Boldin, please temper yourselves. Thank you.

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