10 Darts at the NFL Board

Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress

– Professional football, the ultimate man’s man sport. A sport where muscle-bound gladiators strap on their coat of arms to battle under the Heavens in a trial of strength, endurance, and unmitigated might. A kill-em-all contest where the winner walks off the field bruised and battered and bloodied, but where victory cures all ailments. And so in this game of testosterone and virility, Minnesota Vikings fans are surely beating their chest with pride when their head coach, Brad Childress, refers to himself in all seriousness as “a mother hen.”

– Speaking of memorable off-season moments with head coaches, the Washington Redskins’ Joe Gibbs stammered with what sounded like sexually charged tension on Friday after tight end Chris Cooley arrived at mini-camp sporting the tightest rear end Gibbs could remember ever laying eyes on. Said Gibbs: “Chris is probably one of the best-trained athletes I’ve seen.” Gibbs could be heard humming ZZ Top’s “Legs” as he walked off the practice field and headed to the locker room for a long, long… long cold shower.

– The latest quarterback bound to suffer from the Dan Marino Curse in Miami, 37-year-old millionaire Trent Green, heads up’s Bucky Brooks’ list of 10 NFL players who are past their prime and not far from being sentenced to a field trip to the glue factory.

– The Sports Hernia has the latest scoop on ESPN’s next surefire columnist. Ladies, those sheets are satin.

– Eli Manning, New York Giants QB, still needs pep talks. The kid obviously has some talent, but has there ever been a player who has benefitted more from his family’s legacy?

– The Cleveland Browns did the home-viewing audience a huge favor on draft day this year when they finally ended ESPN’s Brady Quinn Saga by plucking him late in the first round. Quinn looks like he will be repaying their kindness with a hold-out that could push second-year pro Derek Anderson into the starting quarterback slot. Fun!

– A member of the Washington Redskins may have taken rookie hazing to a whole new level.

– Desperate for competition at running back–rookie Chris Henry and second-year cheesecake aficiando LenDale White are really the only viable options for the moment–the Tennesse Titans have offered Chris Brown the chance to resign. Their main competition for Brown’s services seems to be the Chicago Bears. Either way, don’t expect Brown to have much of an impact this season for either team (or your fantasy team).

– Every time we read or hear about former Detroit Lions head coach Marty Mornhinweg (now offensive coordinator for the Philadelphia Eagles), a few things instantly come to mind: his motorcycle charade in training camp, the infamous “I’ll take the wind” call in OT against the Bears, and of course, the Griswolds singing the Marty Moose theme song on their way to Wally World. Anyway, Mornhinweg says he will be a head coach again, even if it’s in youth football.

– Speaking of those lovable Lions, former defensive end James Hall, who was dealt to the St. Louis Rams this offseason for a fifth-round pick, felt the need to comment on his view of the franchise: “I just got tired of every two years rotating the coaching staff, guys going in and out, not really having any continuity on the team. Every year you come back and you try to put in the work and do what you’re supposed to do individually. And it gets hard when it doesn’t pay off for you during the season.”

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