Empty the Bench

Steve Greenberg of the Sporting News recently chatted up Massachusetts senator and ex-presidential candidate John Kerry about sports, of course leading with questions about Kerry’s one-man crusade against MLB’s deal with DirecTV. It’s nice that Kerry likes baseball and all, but, um, doesn’t he have other things to worry about?

Anyway, the whole interview (it’s not long and is mostly puff) can be read here; a few excerpts:

SN: We hear baseball’s new deal with DirecTV (which would make out-of-market games available only to fans with the service) rubs you the wrong way. Why is that?

Kerry: This whole deal smells bad. MLB should look for ways to make baseball more accessible to fans, not less. I hope that MLB, DirecTV and others can get this done. Any deal worth $700 million that puts fewer games on TV is going to raise a big red flag.

SN: You’re 6-4 — can you dunk on pretty much anybody in Washington?

Kerry: Yes — and someday I will show you my victory celebration.

Not sure what exactly his “victory celebration” entails, but wouldn’t it be sweet to watch Kerry raise the roof and shake his bony ass like he just don’t care?

Wait, that’s not entirely accurate. According to New Jersey’s Superior Court Judge Joseph Falcone, it’s actually okay to down a shot of Sambuca for breakfast, pop two Valiums, then punch the clock and hop on your Zamboni. If you want to drink beer and vodka immediately following a spin on the ol’ Zamboni, that’s fine too. Ahhhh, only in New Jersey:

A judge ruled the four-ton ice rink-grooming machines aren’t motor vehicles because they aren’t useable on highways and can’t carry passengers. Zamboni operator John Peragallo had been charged with drunken driving in 2005 after a fellow employee at the Mennen Sports Arena in Morristown told police the machine was speeding and nearly crashed into the boards. Police said Peragallo’s blood alcohol level was 0.12 percent. A level of 0.08 is considered legally drunk in New Jersey.

Peragallo, 64, testified at his trial that he did drink beer and vodka, but not until after he had groomed the ice. However, he told police he had a shot of Sambuca with his breakfast coffee and two Valium-pills before work.

Grow a pair, John. Everyone knows that any Zamboni driver worth a damn takes at least five Valiums, drinks coffee with the Sambuca (not the other way around), and brings along a flask of Johnnie Walker for a spin around the rink. Sheesh, get with the program.

While we find amazing work, articles, rants, musings, etc just about everyday from our fellow sportswriting brethren, Empty the Bench would like to take a moment to highlight two brand-spankin’ new items you need to check out.

Erin and Jason Gurney, the whiz-bang tech geniuses behind lowpost.net, striketwo.net, and faircatch.net, have just launched their latest and possibly greatest site this week, and it comes with the official ETB Stamp of Approval. Ballhype is a little hard to describe because, well, there aren’t any sports sites like it. At its core, Ballhype is a community-driven gathering place for writers and fans to “hype up” the best stories, games, etc on the Web. The Gurneys cite Facebook, Digg, and Techmeme as major influences for the site’s social networking, user-generated news, and group components. Here’s a little bit more from the founders themselves:

Ballhype tracks more than 1,600 sports blogs to find great content so you don’t have to. Hype up the best stories, submit new links, or write your own posts, and let the fans decide. We think that being a fan should be fun. You can hang out on Ballhype without submitting content or voting — lurk, even — but we get more out of watching the Warriors lose if there’s even one other fan in the room. So Hype it up, add Friends, leave Sticky Notes, make Game Picks, create or join Groups. You should get your friends to join Ballhype, if only to have bragging rights over your pick ranking.

It’s a great idea, a great site, and is well worth joining and bookmarking.

Another bookmark-worthy site is Hoops Addict, where over the past two weeks Ryan McNeill has scored two interviews with authors of basketball-related books; both are available to stream as podcasts. First, McNeill chatted up Brian McCormick about his book “Cross Over: The New Model of Youth Basketball Development;” click here to give it a listen. This diehard Raptors fan also tracked down Christopher Bibey to talk about his book, “Open Your Heart With Basketball: Mastering Life through Love of the Game,” which details Bibey’s life after being diagnosed with cancer during his freshman season in college. Listen to the interview.

ESPN has just published their Fan Satisfaction Rankings, which ranks all the professional teams in the four major North American leagues (yes, even the NHL) based on categories such as “Bang for the Buck,” “Fan Relations,” and “Affordability.” After surveying over 80,000 people, hockey’s Buffalo Sabres finished first in overall satisfaction; we have no idea how the Detroit Lions came in last. What’s not to like there?

Find out where your team ranks here. Click on each team name for a few reasons why they ended up where they did; here’s an excerpt on how the Sabres ended up on top:

Larry Quinn, managing partner of the Buffalo Sabres, knows owner Tom Golisano doesn’t like him to talk about other clubs’ fans, but he just can’t help himself. Anytime the Sabres host archrival Toronto, Quinn enjoys watching the thousands of crazies who make the 101-mile trek to cheer their Leafs. “Jersey-wearing, face-painted, wig-wearing types, not the kind you see at the Air Canada Centre,” says Quinn. “It’s ironic that Buffalo has become the place where true Toronto fans can express themselves.”

Cheers, Sabres fans: face-painters and wig-wearers are our favorite kind of fans. Mmhmm.

These might be the most embarassing, cringe-worthy four minutes of any sportscast you’ll ever see. We feel bad for this poor kid, but at least he (unwittingly) makes the Pacers highlights very, very funny and entertaining for his audience.

Not far from Hong Kong lies the gambling mecca of Macau, which brings in more cash, annually, than Las Vegas despite having almost 20 less casinos. So far be it from David Stern to refuse an overseas publicity opportunity, as well as a hefty chunk of change, when Macau knocked on his door and asked if any of his teams were available on loan for a few days. Originally reported in the South China Morning Post, the Cleveland Cavaliers and Orlando Magic will join England’s Manchester United for a series of exhibitions in celebration of the new 3.2-billion-dollar Venetian Macau-Resort hotel in August:

It said the two NBA teams would play a two-game series, one in Macau and another in Shanghai, while Man U would travel to Macau as part of their Asian tour. The relaxation of foreign ownership rules that ended tycoon Stanley Ho’s 40-year casino monopoly brought a flood of investment from the United States and Hong Kong that has rejuvenated the once moribund sector.

For a guy who seems rather hung up on the negative impact gambling has on “his” league, it’s odd that Mr. Stern will now have taken the NBA into the two most lucrative venues for that very activity within the same year.

Next time Paulius Parachomikas enters a European slam-dunk contest, he might want to consider practicing first. Nice try, Paulius, but she’s probably not impressed.

Funny, my girlfriend and I were just discussing athlete marriages the other day, then this popped up. From the “No, Really?” Department comes quotes from Lawrence Taylor’s ex-wife, Linda Garrett, who recently spoke with Chrisena Coleman of the New York Daily News about sharing LT with drugs and women during the life of their marriage:

“LT was my husband, but he belonged to everyone, especially the thousands and thousands of fans. I also shared him with the drugs and the women who would stop at nothing to get to him. One night a woman called my house in the middle of the night and told me that my husband had just left her house and would be home in 20 minutes,” said Garrett. “Sure enough, the garage door opened 20 minutes later. The women didn’t care he was married with children.”

Jacqui Kelly, who’s married to the Chicago White Sox’ Kenny Kelly, has a much rosier outlook on the ups and downs of being tied to a pro athlete. Something tells us that the 26-year-old might not carry the same opinion, in, say, another 5 years or so.

Despite their grumblings, the wives said their husbands’ careers have given them an exclusive lifestyle with financial security and all the trappings of the good life. “There are a lot of perks,” said Kelly, who created and runs the Pro Athletes Only Web site, a one-stop concierge service for athletes and their wives. “Like any marriage, there will be issues, but for us the focus is on being friends, good parents and keeping the line of communication open.”

In other words, perhaps ignoring the possibility your husband might cheat on you.

Dude, seriously, enough is enough is enough. Shut your hole. Shut it now, and don’t open it again. Ever.

From Metroville via Deadspin comes news that America’s all-time favorite murderer, the one who just can’t help but gloat about getting away with killing his ex-wife and her boyfriend, has tossed his knife, ergh, hat into the ring of suitors vying for Anna Nicole Smith’s moolah. No, seriously: O.J. Simpson thinks his super “slow-moving sperm,” as he so eloquently describes it, could have spawned the most talked-about baby since Jesus.

A photographer by the name of Norm Pardo, who has over 70 hours of Simpson footage compiled over 5 years (don’t ask), recently had this to say about The Juice:

“He said he knew Anna Nicole pretty well, and he said he had slow-moving sperm, and he might be the father.”

Just to clarify, if Simpson’s hypothesis is true, that means his sperm takes approximately 12 years to actually pregnate a woman once implanted. Simpson and Smith were castmates in 1994’s “blockbuster classic” The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult. Pardo continues:

Simpson also joked to Pardo, “I hope they don’t do a DNA test on Anna Nicole’s baby. If they find out Dannielynn is mine, I don’t want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money -or the baby herself.”

Oh, O.J., you are such a kidder! Hilarious! OMG, that jerk father of the man you slashed up better stay away from the money your slow-moving sperm rightfully earned!

Hopefully FOX will now consider a reality show starring O.J. Simpson, Pacman Jones, and Ron Artest wherein they’re locked in a house for 2 months with an unlimited supply of knives, drugs, and dogs to see what happens when nutjobs stop being polite, and arrested, and start being real.
Our money is on the Tru Warrior.

With the outlook once again bleak for the Kansas City Royals offense this season, it seems it might be worth it for KC to contact the agent for faux-actor, faux-rock star Jared Leto to gauge his interest in possibly joining the team. Though Leto has proven mediocre at almost everything in his professional career (“My So-Called Life,” “Alexander,” and rocking out in his adorable little band 30 Seconds to Mars, for starters), he certainly sounds like he’s ready to step into the batter’s box:

Jared has revealed that he often wants to take a baseball bat to critics. Speaking about negative press, Jared said recently: “The music is close to us and we can take it personally when we hear something we don’t like. Sometimes you want to take a baseball bat to someone’s face.
Or maybe their kneecaps – that would probably be more fun. There are some people who might look better if you smacked them in the head with a baseball bat.”

Why can’t the haters just leave this poor, tortured soul alone? How could you criticize a man of this stature, this talent? Well, Jared, we’re in your corner, and just to prove it will publish our favorite passage from the 30 Seconds to Mars hit “Buddha for Mary.” We love Flea here at ETB, but he’s got nothing on our boy Jared:

Mary was an acrobat
But still she couldn’t seem to breathe
Mary was becoming everything she didn’t want to be
Mary would hallucinate
And see the sky upon the wall
Mary was the type of girl
She always liked to fly

Excuse us while we dry our tears… and wipe away the vomit.

Something tells us this guy is going to have a tough time getting a date for the rest of his life… or ever having a normal conversation with another human being, or getting a real job. But hey, if you get a little publicity for getting the lamest tattoo ever carved into your forehead, well, I guess it was all worth it.

The Mighty MJD pointed out a photo gallery on SI.com featuring tattoos from very serious fans. You can view all the dreadfulness here, but there’s no denying this kook his rightful claim to Worst Tattoo Ever… or “best,” depending on your sense of humor. Fittingly, this gentleman goes by the name of “Tattoo.” Simple, to the point, relevant. I like it. Folks, this ain’t a fake:

Apparently he did this as part of a stunt to get Lakers playoff tickets from a local radio station, and has also “been tasered by [rapper] Game, had mace squirted into his eye, and eaten worms.” Mmmhmm. We don’t have much to offer—a few discount movie coupons, a limited-edition Ben Wallace bobblehead, maybe some of my mom’s Xmas cookies—but if you’re out there, Tattoo, Empty the Bench would like to extend you a standing offer to eat from my cat’s litter box. Whenever you’re ready. No rush.

Wow. Just wow. In a week that we learned Pacman Jones smoked marijuana before meeting up with a SWAT team, that Wolfgang Puck Catering was letting an employee contagious with Hepatitis A handle food, that Cedric Maxwell wants a female NBA referee to make him bacon and eggs for breakfast, and that Red Hot Chili Peppers’ bassist Flea could be our next Poet Laureate, the following story might beat them all.

This one is nearly 2 months old, so we apologize if you’ve already heard about it and cringed/chortled/gasped appropriately, but we totally missed the boat, so here you go. Former high-school basketball coach Gregory Lynn Burr faces 39 charges of abuse and 1 charge of being a sick son-of-a-bitch. Here are the grisly details:

Gregory Lynn Burr, 28, faces 39 charges for allegedly hitting male students in the groin, showing them pornography and pouring water on his players then driving them to games in the winter with the windows rolled down.

A student in documents said Burr would ask them, “What is the capital of Thailand?” When they would answer “Bangkok,” he would hit them in the groin. Another student claims to have had scrotal surgery because of Burr’s alleged assault.

In arrest records, some of the victims portrayed the incidents as Burr’s misguided attempts at humor but said they kept quiet for fear of getting kicked off the team. One student estimated some of the players were hit in the groin 30-40 times. Another said the blows occurred at every practice,
with the coach hitting them with his hand, basketballs and tennis balls.

Something tells us it was not a good idea to ask Coach Burr for a water break, to come out of the game, or to stop hitting you in the balls.