We watch a lot of zombie movies, lots of twisted, bloody thrillers from Japan, and plenty of slasher films. My colleague Mr. Thell counts The Devil’s Rejects as one of his favorite horror movies; agreed, but the first chapter of Rob Zombie’s two-part terrorfest, House of 1,000 Corpses, is an entirely different beast that I can’t watch without having nightmares for weeks.

Another thing we can’t watch? Snickers’ horrifying new Halloween candy commercial, which has been running far too many times during the NFL Sunday and Monday Night Football broadcasts. What kind of sick dude in marketing dreamt this up? Somebody better check his or her background because they might have a Hannibal Lecter on their hands.

The video prompts a number of questions: What is that unholy Grey Gardens hellspawn? Why does she keep children in her dress? And why does she menacingly caress that woman’s face ever so gently?

We can only assume poor, wayward children who have the misfortune of trick or treating at her (it’s?) door have their souls stolen and are incorporated into her ghastly form.

Here’s the clip of an unsuspecting mom, who for some reason is shopping in a dingy, dimly-lit grocery store, finding herself face to face with the visage of evil. Terrifying, Snickers… absolutely terrifying.

So why do we want to see them suffer? Why do we hate them so? Well, they’re kind of obnoxious. Kind of really obnoxious. And they look stupid. And they can be real jerks, too. And, in my experience, their playful distractions and pranks are often less-than-welcome. I mean, seriously guy, get out of my face with your plush butty dance. I’m trying to watch a game here. My team is getting their collective asses handed to them and I’m not exactly in the mood to play along with your game of keep away with my favorite hat. It’s cute, I get it, but you have no idea how close you are to spilling down those steps …

Anyways, here’s some footage of a mascot taking a nasty spill and maybe getting seriously injured.

Enjoy.

]]> http://www.emptythebench.com/2010/03/06/curling-enthusiasm-sweeps-the-globe/feed/ 0 http://www.emptythebench.com/2010/02/25/dolph-lundgren-sings/ http://www.emptythebench.com/2010/02/25/dolph-lundgren-sings/#comments Thu, 25 Feb 2010 19:58:51 +0000 Brian Spencer http://www.emptythebench.com/?p=7478 Dolph Lundgren: the performer who puts all other performers to shame. To Russia!

We’re thrilled to once again play a small part in helping spread the word for a fantastic event hosted annually by the Make-A-Wish Foundation of Southern Florida.

For those planning to be in or around the Miami area this week, mark your calendars for Thursday, February 25, at 6pm for the Make-A-Wish Ultimate Sports Extravaganza & Auction, which will feature Miami Dolphins coaching legend Don Shula along with a host of celebrities and sports personalities from the Miami Heat, Miami Dolphins, Florida Marlins, Florida Panthers, and Miami Hurricanes.

Here’s more on the event from the press release:

The Make-A-Wish Ultimate Sports Extravaganza & Auction promises to be bigger and better than ever with Hall of Fame Coach Don Shula as Featured Guest. This star-studded evening will take place on Thursday, February 25, at the Westin Diplomat Resort & Spa beginning at 6pm. Now in its 17th season, this is the only charity event where coaches, players and, representatives from all of South Florida’s sports teams come together for one common goal. Guests will rub shoulders with local and national sports personalities and other A-list celebrities, while bidding on one-of-a-kind experiences and memorabilia in the Famed Live and Silent Auctions.

Tickets start at $250 are still available; to order, call 954-967-9474, ext. 318. For more information, visit the Make-A-Wish Foundation of Southern Florida website, head to their YouTube channel, or follow them on Twitter.

]]> http://www.emptythebench.com/2010/02/20/second-annual-make-a-wish-sports-extravaganza/feed/ 0 http://www.emptythebench.com/2009/10/23/professional-sports-logos/ http://www.emptythebench.com/2009/10/23/professional-sports-logos/#comments Fri, 23 Oct 2009 07:02:00 +0000 ETB Contributor http://www.emptythebench.com/?p=5815

By: Zachariah Blott

I know it’s a bit belated, but I wanted to put together a few lists that show some logo trends in the NBA over time and some great logos in other sports. Enjoy!

Again, all of these logos are found at Chris Creamer’s SportsLogos.net.

See Also:
– NBA Logo Report Cards, Pt. 1
– NBA Logo Report Cards, Pt. 2
– NBA Logo Report Cards, Pt. 3

Trends From the 1940′s Into the 1970′s

Early logos tended to use ridiculous cartoons of the mascot playing the sport.

Atlanta Hawks 1969/70

Denver Nuggets, 1976-1981

Ft. Wayne Pistons, 1948-1957

Houston Rockets, 1971/72

Milwaukee Bucks, 1968-1993

New York Knicks, 1946-1964

Philadelphia Warriors, 1951-1962

Trends From the 1970′s

Teams used super simple shapes and colors, akin to construction paper cut-outs. Apparently they had time machines back then and consulted with the South Park creators to see what they would have done in middle school.

1974/75 All Star Game in Phoenix

Buffalo Braves, 1971-1978

Golden State Warriors, 1972-1975

Indiana Pacers, 1976-1990

Kansas City Kings, 1975-1985

New Jersey Nets, 1978-1990

New Orleans Jazz, 1974-1979

Philadelphia 76ers, 1963-1977

Phoenix Suns, 1968-1992

San Diego Clippers, 1978-1982

Washington Bullets, 1974-1987

More logo trends and awards from around sports, after the jump …

Trends From the 1990′s

Many logos introduced new colors, lots of color gradients, and lots of stylized movement within the image. There is probably already a lot of regret over these.

Cleveland Cavaliers, 1994-2003

Denver Nuggets, 1993-2003

Detroit Pistons, 1996-2001

Houston Rockets, 1995-2003

New Jersey Nets, 1990-1997

Philadelphia 76ers, 1997-2009

San Antonio Spurs, 1989-2002

Seattle Supersonics, 1995-2001

Equipment Use in Sports Logos

The NBA is far ahead of the other professional leagues in terms of using their sports’ equipment (in this case, simply a basketball) within their logos. Thankfully the NBA didn’t stick with that other basketball or two-thirds of the logos would have been outdated in a hurry.

NBA: 70% (21 of 30) of logos include a basketball.

MLB: 53% (16 of 30) of logos include a ball, bat, home plate, basepaths, or the shape of field.

NHL: 20% (6 of 30) of logos include a hockey stick or a puck (includes Flyers).

NFL: 16% (5 of 32) of logos include a football or a helmet.

1) Boston Celtics

2) Chicago Bulls

3) San Antonio Spurs

4) Minnesota Timberwolves

5-tie) Memphis Grizzlies

5-tie) Utah Jazz

1) Washington Wizards

2) Dallas Mavericks

3) Indiana Pacers

4) Portland Trailblazers

5) Oklahoma City Thunder

The Best Logos in the NFL

Detroit Lions – Simple, ferocious, could beat the actual team.

Miami Dolphins – They made a tough-looking dolphin who’s ready to play ball.

Houston Texans – Very impressive for its simple use of color and mascot concept.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Totally bad ass, but they need to change their death metal lettering.

The Best Logos in the NHL

Colorado Avalanche – Good job incorporating the name of the team with the mascot.

Minnesota Wild – Very basic design that draws together the region’s environment and the Wild theme.

New Jersey Devils – Simple concept incorporating location’s initials and team concept, very well done.

San Jose Sharks – Design I’d expect to see on a biker’s jacket, straight up tough.

The Best Logos in MLB

Arizona Diamondbacks – Again, I’m a sucker for logos that tie together lettering and theme.

Pittsburgh Pirates – With a name like Pirates, it sure took them a long time to pick a logo that’s mean.

Colorado Rockies – Similar to Utah Jazz.

New York Mets – Great use of cityscape considering “Mets” gives you nothing.

The Best Logos in the NCAA

There are a zillion logos in college, so these are simply some of the best. I won’t comment on each one, but they are generally simple, incorporate the mascot well, and possibly are tough looking.

Boise State Broncos

Buffalo Bulls

Colorado Buffaloes – This state has great logos with the Avalanche, the Rockies, the Nuggets, and even Colorado State (sorry Rams, the Buffaloes’ logo is better).

DePaul Blue Demons – Bad ass, Satanic logo at a Catholic university.

Florida Gators

Hofstra Pride – Like Penn State’s, but not simple to the point of absurdity.

LaSalle Explorers

Marshall Thundering Herd

Miami Hurricanes – This resurgent football school (I’m guessing still filled with criminals, however) did a great job combining theme with lettering.

San Jose State Spartans – And it’s the Warriors’ color scheme.

UNLV Runnin’ Rebels – One of the few with the name on top of the logo that works well.

Army Black Knights – If Hester Prynne wore this on her chest, Boston would have left her the hell alone out of pure, unadulterated fear.

See Also:
– NBA Logo Report Cards, Pt. 1
– NBA Logo Report Cards, Pt. 2
– NBA Logo Report Cards, Pt. 3

Zachariah Blott is a dish best served cold.

Two personal firsts from a recent Friday night at Bangkok’s Lumpini Stadium for muay thai boxing. One, as you might imagine, was watching two wiry fighters without a trace of body fat stretched across their 102-pound frames pound away at each other’s midsections, calves, and faces in carefully delivered flurries of kicks, punches, and knees while I sat just a few feet away. The second was slightly less violent but no less jarring–sipping lukewarm Chang beer not from a cool, frosty mug, or even a thin plastic cup, but rather through a straw from a plastic bag with little handles.

Hey, with the humidity rising with each successive bout and bloodthirsty mosquitos nipping at my ankles as we watched from our almost-ringside seats, that beer-in-a-bag couldn’t have been any more refreshing. Chang Draught is, actually, served at Lumpini in plastic cups, but we instead took turns ducking back out into the street and buying our brews from a vendor at more than half the price. That’s where the bags came into play: you aren’t allowed to bring beer cans or bottles into the stadium, but beer in a plastic bag? Mai pen rai (“no problem”).

Lumpini Stadium is located in the Pathumwan section of Bangkok on busy Rama IV Road, where old, overheating buses dumping plumes of thick black smoke in their wake compete with taxis, tuk-tuks, and fearless (read: no helmets) men and women on motorbikes for a spot in traffic gridlock hell. The stadium is about an hour walk from our apartment on Petchaburi Road, but on that night we decided to pay the 25 Baht fare to ride the BTS Skytrain from Siam Square to Sala Daeng station, then walked it from there. From Sala Daeng it’s a brisk 30-minute or so trek down Rama IV, past the sidewalk restaurants-come-beer gardens bordering Lumpini Park and the sprawling, touristy Suan Lum Night Market.

We scoped out the scene one week earlier and were prepared for the smiling, English-speaking touts positioned out front offering to help purchase your admission tickets. They’re absolutely harmless, but there’s simply no need to risk paying more than you should or of perhaps being sold a counterfeit ticket that won’t be accepted at the door by the ragtag security team. As of January 2009, tickets for farang (a general Thai term for foreigners of Western descent) run 1,000 Baht for third-class, 1,500 for second, and 2,000 for ringside; Thais will pay significantly less. Most foreigners opt for the priciest tier, but we went with the second-class, where we enjoyed stellar vantage points from our seats on the long, rickety wooden benches that circle Lumpini Stadium.

And what an atmospheric setting this old Bangkokian gem provides for fight night.

Much more from Muay Thai fight night at Bangkok’s Lumpini Stadium after the break…

Lumpini opened in December of 1956, and it doesn’t look like much has changed since. The three classes of seating are separated by see-thru fences and wrap around the entirety of the hexagonal-shaped stadium. A light-blue shirted “usher” sat us one row up from the front on one of the aforementioned benches, directly facing the center of the ring; picture 50-yard line seats at an American football game. Discarded peanut shells, candy wrappers, and empty beer cans (and beer bags) litter the cement floor a few feet below the thin wooden planks at foot level; the in-house family of cats slinking through the stands have no doubt had their share of battles with the in-house families of rats for the prime pickings of leftovers down there.

Ceiling fans sufficiently diminish the heat trapped inside by the corrugated tin ceiling, though during the hot season I imagine most patrons leave wearing sweat-soaked clothes. Lumpini is one of a select few establishments where gambling is technically allowed; most every Thai in the mostly male audience seemed to be getting in on the action, which is spearheaded by guys running back and forth shouting out the odds and taking bets like stockbrokers on the Wall Street trading floor.

The section south of the ring gradually filled up as the evening went on and was clearly the gambling hub; we arrived during the second preliminary match, which pitted “Yadfa” in the red corner versus “Extra” in the blue corner, both weighing in at 102-pounds. Four matches would follow before the main event between “Jenrob” of the Sakhomseen boxing camp and “Munjanoi” of Kiatnapachai, but for whatever reason there seemed to be a lot riding on this prelim match.

You probably imagine muay thai matches as bloody affairs which leave one or both combatants in a heap of sweat and broken bones. It does get brutal at times and the potential for serious injury lurks with every unblocked kick to the chest or jab to the nose, but the battles, at least on this night, were much more measured, skillful affairs that involved a lot more close-quarters fighting than twirling, Double Dragon-style kicks. That’s not to say the action was passive or that these blows didn’t look exceedingly painful to absorb; it is, indeed, by all means a vicious sport.

Knees to the ribcage got the most rise out of the crowd. I assume this isn’t what the Thai-speaking crowd was shouting at the top of their lungs, but the roar that echoed throughout the stadium every time a fighter, well, kneed his opponent in the ribcage sounded like “Knee! Knee! Knee! Knee!”

The fighters approach the ring from opposite sides of the stadium, always entering the ring by hopping over the top rope as opposed to between them, like in boxing. Once they’re in, both of them go through elaborate, pre-fight rituals (called Wai Khru) that have been performed since ancient times and usually last for about 10 minutes or so; there’s a lot of bowing, kneeling, stretching, air kicks, air punches, and what I’d call “half-dance moves,” almost like a muted cha-cha or disco two-step. The whole sequence is often divided up into three parts–the Royal Homage, the Kneeling, and the Standing–and is really quite mesmerizing.

Each match is scheduled for five, three-minute long rounds; of the the six bouts we saw only one failed to go the distance, when “Chadchainoi” countered a series of kicks to his legs from “Payakdetch” with a swift knockout punch of his own.

The match begins and four musicians seated in a booth near the ring launch into a trance-like cacophony that seemed to vary in tempo and pitch based on the round. This traditional muay thai music is usually created with the following four instruments: the Pi Kaek, which originated in India and can best be described as a member of the clarinet family; the Klong Kaak, which is two conjoined drums; the Ching, which are brass cymbals; and the Kong Mong, a Thai drum. I’d never heard anything like it, and you probably haven’t either–click here to get a general sense of what it sounds like.

Once the bell rings to end the round, one or both of the fighters often raised their hands in victory and nimbly pranced over to their corner in a transparent attempt to garner the judges’ favor. The only odd thing about the between-round break is that the fighter sits on a chair, or just stands, in a round, metal (?) container of sorts that I’m guessing is there to catch sweat and keep the ring as dry as possible. After their pep talk is over and the bell sounds again, the referee closely inspects each one to make sure neither’s body is too slippery from any sort of substance rubbed on during the break; he wipes it off if he deems it excessive.

There are many, many more rules, regulations, and customs associated with muay thai, and you can read about all of them here. Looking back on the evening, it’s not the actual fighting that sticks out as much as the whole experience: the street vendors outside the stadium, certainly the stadium itself, the pre-fight rituals, the bagged-beer runs, the roars of “knee! knee! knee!,” the hypnotic trance of the ringside muay thai music. Once inside, it felt like we could have been anywhere in Thailand, be it a heaving metropolis like Bangkok or a modest-sized city like Phitsanlouk.

And we’ve already made plans to return in a few weeks.

More About Muay Thai:
- Sign Up for a Muay Thai Boxing Class in Bangkok
- This Just In: Muay Thai Really, Really Violent