Empty the Bench

The Dallas Cowboys have signed troubled cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones. Dale Hansen, the sports anchor for Dallas WFAA, doesn’t take the news so well. In fact, he kinda loses it. Over the course of this three-minutes diatribe he manages to work in McCarthyism, African American men in prison, Osama bin Laden, the hypocrisy of the rich, white, Southern man and race relations… just watch the clip.

PS: Mr. Hansen, please do not in any way construe this post as a threat.

Tip of the hat to Deuce of Davenport for the find.

Jason Williams has fallen from grace recently, but he had some pretty good seasons with the Kings, Grizz and Heat. However, he wasn’t even the best basketball player on his own high school team in West Virginia. That was one Randy Moss, who won Mr. Basketball West Virginia over Williams twice in their time there. I’ve always wondered what kind of NBA player Moss would have been had he chosen that route. He would have certainly made it to the league, and with his combination of size, leaping ability, graceful body control, hands and sprinter’s speed Moss could have been a lot of fun to watch…

Randy Moss and Laurence Maroney Photo Credit: Tom Croke/Icon SMI

Fantasy football during the NFL playoffs is nowhere near as popular as the regular season variety, but the game is slowly catching on as a sure-fire way to put a little more interest into Wild Card weekend and beyond. It’s also more instantly gratifying that most fantasy leagues, and adds in the additional skill of projecting team success in order to be competitive. It’s a pretty simple and entertaining game you can play with as few as four people, provided you don’t mind doing a little paper-and-pencil math.

The following rankings are based on a 1 QB, 2 WRs, 2 RBs, 1 TE league with standard scoring and a small number of teams. They are also for leagues which count total points, and are not formatted for elimination leagues. Keep in mind the need for depth at each position when drafting, as most NFL playoffs fantasy leagues do not allow transactions.

Overall Rankings 1-50:

1) Tom Brady, New England Patriots
2) Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys
3) Randy Moss, New England Patriots
4) Brett Favre, Green Bay Packers
5) Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts
6) Terrell Owens, Dallas Cowboys
7) Marion Barber, Dallas Cowboys
8 ) Joseph Addai, Indianapolis Colts
9) Ryan Grant, Green Bay Packers
10) Reggie Wayne, Indianapolis Colts
11) LaDainian Tomlinson, San Diego Chargers

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Matt Millen Photo Credit: Todd Rosenberg/Icon SMI

This is indeed the most magical time of the year for Detroit Lions fans–the offseason. Scapegoats are run out of town, saviors are inked to hefty contracts, promises of improvement are made, and, ah yes, Matt Millen and his team of ace scouts bunker down for another game of darts NFL draft.

You see, despite what his rosy bio on the official Detroit Lions website claims, Matt Millen is not a very good NFL General Manager. In fact, he’s a very, very stinky one on many levels. His track record on coaching hires is abyssmal, his trades and free-agent signings are depressing at best, and then there’s his performance on draft day. The foundation for any successful NFL franchise is built upon solid picks in rounds one through seven, as well as through savvy undrafted free-agent pickups along the way. No team nails every one of their picks, but Millen nails hardly any.

With another chapter in Detroit Lions history mercifully over, ETB takes a look at how this once-proud bumbling franchise has gotten to where they are today based on Millen’s draft picks over the past seven years. Lions fans, you may want to stop reading now.

2001

First Round: Jeff Backus, T, Michigan
Second Round: Dominic Raiola, C, Nebraska
Second Round: Shaun Rogers, DT, Texas
Fifth Round: Scotty Anderson, WR, Grambling
Fifth Round: Mike McMahon, QB, Rutgers
Sixth Round: Jason Glenn, LB, Texas A&M

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We’re all about the ballsy predictions here at ETB. We’re always analyzing and second-guessing other “expert” picks, but we’ve been putting our balls on the table all season as well. Our Crystal balls. It’s been a lot of fun gazing into our Crystal Balls, revealing ghastly events yet to take place, bewildering sights to behold, breathtaking new vistas of human consciousness and (mostly) NFL player performances from week to week. Alas, this is the last Crystal Ball of 2007. Perhaps we should probably turn our precognitive powers on another subject during the offseason, like the stock market or stopping crimes. Meh.

They’re almost certainly all going to come true like always, but one or two of these picks may not. You had better believe we’ll be bragging about the ones we nail. Repeatedly. In your fat, soft face. And if/when we miss, it’ll be like it never happened. You’ll forget about it…. forget about it… forget about it…

It’s the last edition of ETB’s NFL Crystal Ball for the 2007 season. Seasons greetings and all that stuff… more importantly, here’s hoping you embarrass another grown man on Sunday, and take his money.

Andrew’s Predictions:

1. Coming into the season and in the early going the San Diego pass defense was very susceptible, but Antonio Cromartie, Drayton Florence and Quentin Jammer have taken strides as the season has progressed. They’re shutting down wide receivers and taking advantage of quarterbacks’ mistakes. They still allow 220.4 yards passing per game, but the Chargers have limited opposing QBs to just 19 TDs and snagged an NFL-best 27 INTs (Seattle is second with only 20). It all adds up to a bad week for the talented, yet inexperienced Jay Cutler, who nearly repeats his Week 5 performance against the Bolts: 20-of-32, 1 TD, 3 INTs, 3 sacks.

2. For the love of all things holy, please don’t start Chad Pennington in your championship game. The Tennessee defense has been a revelation this season, while Pennington has proved completely incapable of standing up to a strong pass rush or throwing a football any further than I can. The Titans allow just 200.8 through the air per game and have let up only 19 TD passes with 20 INTs and 32 sacks on the season. Albert Haynesworth & Co are going to mangle Pennington’s internal organs. The Crystal Ball only sees two options for this foppish dandy: 1) he will finish 18-of-34 with 179 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs and get sacked 5 times; 2) he will leave the game with a season-ending injury.

3. The Bungles are the worst in the NFL at stopping wide receivers, and Cleveland wideout Braylon Edwards puts an appropriate exclamation point on his incredible, breakout season: 9 receptions, 140 yards, 2 TDs.

(Chad Pennington Photo Credit: Anthony J Causi/Icon SMI)

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New England Patriots Photo Credit: Tom Croke/Icon SMI

It’s so close you can smell it, almost taste it. A fantasy title… or a third-place triumph. Whatever. Soon all will be revealed, and you find out if all those long, lonely nights making roster adjustments at 1:30am paid off. Don’t falter now. A mistake on who to start this week will slowly eat away at your very soul over the next nine long, Scotch-soaked months. Choose correctly, and you’ve earned the right to be a complete jackass for the next week and those leading up to next season. Without further ado, here’s ETB’s top 20 QBs, 30 RBs, 36 WRs, 15 TEs, and 15 Team Defenses based on past performance, injuries, bye weeks, and matchups for Week 15.

Pittsburgh travels to majestic St. Louis on Thursday night, and the Dallas Cowpokes steamroll the Carolina Panthers this Saturday. Make the necessary adjustments to your roster before then.

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Kansas City Chiefs Photo Credit: Mark Coffey/Icon SMI

You don’t need us to tell you how important your fantasy matchup against that sniveling little turd who sits four cubicles over is this week. What you do need is a competitive edge, some of ETB’s patented, tax-free fantasy football analysis, to ensure sweet, sweet victory. Armed with this column, our Week 16 Position Rankings, and the rest of our Week 16 fantasy coverage, there’s little doubt you’ll be standing triumphant on Tuesday morning, clenching the still-beating heart of your vanquished adversary, one foot on his throat and the other on his tiny genitals, the sweet nectar of blood slowly dripping from your jowls.

As always, these are not necessarily the guys we think will score the most points or score the least points: there will always be obvious situations and choices we dismiss. These aren’t all sneaky plays, either. These are just the matchups that we think deserve mention*. Good luck, godspeed, and feel free to drop in next week to boast about the spoils of victory.

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Tom Brady Photo Credit: Robert E. Klein/Icon SMI

- With the fantasy playoffs underway, the theme of the week was good teams getting knocked off after their stud quarterback laid an egg. Squads that were counting on the usually consistent Tom Brady (0 TDs), Peyton Manning (1 TD), Tony Romo (0 TDs), Derek Anderson (0 TDs), and, to a lesser extent, Carson Palmer (1 TD) got left high and dry. Those are five of the top eight quarterbacks in ETB’s scoring format this year, and yet they combined for a total of 2 TDs and 5 INTs. What’s worse, nobody could have seen this coming as all of their matchups (vs. NYJ, @ OAK, vs. PHI, vs. BUF, and @ SF, respectively) looked like cakewalks just a week ago. That’s fantasy football. Hey, everybody knew that Vince Young (2 TDs, 0 INTs) and Brodie Croyle (2 TDs, 2 INTs) would each outperform all those studs combined, right?

Indeed, if you were counting on Brady, Palmer or Manning to carry your fantasy team this week, there’s a good chance you’re up shit’s creek with a turd for a paddle. All three were consensus top-four QBs coming into the season, but inclimate weather sunk Brady in New England (14-27, 120 yards, 1 INT), a prolonged slump carried over into San Francisco for Palmer (19-31, 251 yards, 1 TD), and Manning was just plain average on the road in Oakland (22-39, 276 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT). These three will again all draw very favorable matchups on paper in Fantasy Championship Week, but at least one of them—Palmer—has to be considered a risky start regardless of the opponent.

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We’re all about the ballsy predictions here at ETB. We’re always analyzing and second-guessing other “expert” picks, but we’ll put our balls on the table, too. Crystal balls. Yes, you may see them. Look with your eyes, not with your hands though. Only we can harness the power of these magical balls. In the days leading up to Sunday’s NFL action, we both gaze into the void, transcend this earthly plane, feel the force and post the daring predictions that present themselves.

They’re probably all going to come true, but one or two of them may not. You had better believe we’ll be bragging about them when we nail it. Repeatedly. In your fat, supple face. And if/when we miss, it’ll be like it never happened. You’ll forget about it. Hey, look at me–you will forget about our misses.

It’s the latest edition of ETB’s NFL Crystal Ball, where we never pull a Homer Simpson.

Andrew’s Predictions:

1. It’s going to be an old-fashioned shootout in the Big Easy this weekend. Without Adrian Wilson, the Cards secondary got torn to ribbons by Seattle last week, giving up 272 yards and 4 TDs. Drew Brees is on fire and should have no trouble finding the endzone and racking up yards. On the other side, Jason David and the Saints secondary haven’t been able to stop anybody all year and Arizona will throw all game after getting down early. The Saints and Cardinals combine for 700 yards passing and 6 passing TDs.

2. We’ve been begging and pleading for Jerious Norwood to get more involved in the Atlanta Falcons gameplan for almost two years now. He led the NFL with 6.4 YPC last season, and yet only got 99 carries. With Warrick Dunn aging and no longer effective, we figured it would change this year and yet Norwood hasn’t received double-digit carries in any game this season. There’s no way new Atlanta HC Emmitt Thomas can be as stubborn as Bobby Petrino, and Norwood get 15 carries and finishes with over 100 total yards for the third time this year.

3. We were all about the Cincinnati Bungles defense in Week 2 when they played the Browns, and they cracked a few eggs on our face by giving up 51 points at Derek Anderson’s coming out party. Still, despite giving up points all season they have generated 30 takeaways and 2 TDs on defense. This week they go into San Francisco and play against an offense that’s an absolute mess. The 49ers are also starting Shaun Hill at QB, a guy who is supposedly worse than Trent Dilfer, as hard as that is to fathom. Mark the Bungles down for 3 sacks, 1 fumble recovery, 2 INTs and 1 TD.

Jerious Norwood Photo Credit: Todd Kirkland/Icon SMI

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Photo Credit: Allen Fredrickson/Icon SMI

- The Crystal Ball doth not lie. Perhaps, at times, it’s not dead-on accurate, but we’re usually in the neighborhood and as we predicted, the Packers heavily leaned on Ryan Grant–the NFL’s leading rusher since Week 8–against the laughable Raiders rush defense. Halfway through the second quarter, the unheralded Grant had already registered 13 carries for 66 yards, including a hard-fought touchdown run from the six-yard line. On the day he finished with 29 rushes, 156 yards, and 1 TD; this is the fourth time this year he’s gone over 100. He probably could have pushed for 200 if the game wasn’t a blowout, as Vernand Morency relieved him in the fourth quarter. Grant is a must-start in Week 15 against the Rams.

- Being the contrarian he is, Lions OC Mike Martz defied expectations by establishing the run early against the Cowboys, giving Kevin Jones three carries and Tico Duckett one on the Lions’ opening drive. The results? 31 yards rushing for Jones and a 32-yard scamper into the endzone for Duckett. Jones failed to tack on a one-yard touchdown plunge on the Lions’ second drive (it would later come back to haunt Detroit), but they were still able to move the ball effectively on the ground after last week’s embarassing effort against the Vikings, when they totaled 23 yards rushing on the game.

Jones did find the endzone late in the first half by pounding into paydirt for a two-yard TD, and finished with 23 carries for 92 yards and 2 TDs; for his part, Duckett toted it 9 times for 60 yards and that score. When the Lions rush the ball, they don’t get blown out.. and heck, sometimes they even win! When they don’t, it has the potential to get ugly. As Andrew said Sunday afternoon, why did it take Martz losing four straight games to figure this out? Well, thanks to some untimely blunders typical of this franchise (missed 35-yard FG, failure to recover a fumble on the Cowboys’ game-winning TD drive, poor special teams, no adjustments to slow down Jason Witten, etc), they now have five losses in a row, running game be damned. We’ll be surprised if they win again this season.

- Carson Palmer has had an up and down season (to put it kindly), but he’s laying an egg for fantasy teams at the worst possible time. Most of his owners drafted him because of that sweet schedule in the playoff weeks: vs. STL, @ SF and vs. CLE. Unfortunately, those last two dates may not matter for a lot of you who started Palmer and watched him throw for just 189 yards with 2 INTs and 0 TDs. He should have eaten this secondary alive, but instead he was embarrassed by an undermanned and untalented unit at home. It was the second consecutive week Palmer went touchdownless. Rudi Johnson wasn’t too pretty either. At one point he had 5 carries for 6 yards, but did manage to score and salvaged some yards in garbage time, finishing with 23 rushes for 92 yards (4.0 YPC) and the one score. Believe me, the numbers make it look better than it was.

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We’re all about the ballsy predictions here at ETB. We’re always analyzing and second-guessing other “expert” picks, but we’ll put our balls on the table, too. Crystal balls. Yes, you may see them. Look with your eyes, not with your hands though. Only we can harness the power of these magical balls. In the days leading up to Sunday’s NFL action, we both gaze into the void, transcend this earthly plane, feel the force and post the daring predictions that present themselves.

They’re probably all going to come true, but one or two of them may not. You had better believe we’ll be bragging about them when we nail it. Repeatedly. In your fat, supple face. And if/when we miss, it’ll be like it never happened. You’ll forget about it. Hey, look at me–you will forget about our misses.

It’s the latest edition of ETB’s NFL Crystal Ball, where we never pull a Homer Simpson.

Andrew’s Predictions:

1. I’ve had a deep-seated hatred for all things Falcon since 1998 when they cruelly robbed my beloved Vikings of their first super Bowl birth since 1977 (or to be more accurate, since we gave away our Super Bowl to Atlanta… damn you, Gary Anderson!). I’m starting to warm up to this Roddy White kid though. The 2005 first-round pick is having a tremendous season despite the chaos surrounding him on offense. It doesn’t seem to matter who’s throwing him the ball or who lines up opposite, he produces. This week he draws the Saints and Jason David, who have been absolutely pitiful against opposing No. 1 WRs. Mark the young man down for 6 receptions, 107 yards and a long touchdown.

2. No Colts running back has dropped 90 rushing yards or a 2-TD game on the stellar Ravens rush defense this decade. Meanwhile, Joseph Addai is floundering with a YPC south of 3.3 over the last four weeks, and his struggles continue here: 19 rush attempts for 73 yards and 0 TDs.

3. Kurt Warner has finally been cleared to play sans the medieval armor he’s been wearing on his non-throwing shoulder, so he should get the chance to play on the goal line again. That’s the good news. The bad news is that Anquan Boldin is likely out, Larry Fitzgerald is a game-time decision, and they’re on the road against a Seattle defense that can get to the quarterback. I see a 215-yard, 2-TD, 2-INT, 1-fumble game on the horizon.

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- It sounds like soap-opera drama is brewing in Detroit:

“Our boat’s not very full, I know that. We don’t have a lot of people left in our boat right now,” said [Detroit Lions QB Jon] Kitna about the sulking Lions locker room. “I’m talking about us in general. We are not heading in the same direction right now, as a football team. There’s an easy way out and a hard way out. We have to choose the hard way if we want to do it. But we have to choose it — all 53 guys. We can’t have some and not the others.”

Yep, it’s getting ugly for the Lions, whose last four games (DAL, @ SD, KC, @ GB) all look pretty unwinnable after watching the team lose four straight after starting off 6-2. The suddenly toothless Lions were trounced by the surging Vikings on Sunday, who rode a solid all-around effort by the improving Tarvaris Jackson (18-24, 204 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT) and a dominating run game to a big 42-10 win in front of the home crowd. The NFL’s leading rusher, Adrian Peterson, returned to action after missing a few and picked up right where he left off, bulldozing his way to 116 yards rushing and 2 TDs on just 15 carries. Chester Taylor wasn’t too shabby either, getting 14 carries for 70 yards and a score. Fantasy owners wise enough to own both of them probably need to consider starting both of these hosses; both are going to get burn and are running behind one of the league’s very best offensive lines.

As for Detroit… ugh. They lost Roy Williams to a knee injury, Kitna threw his requisite interception and took his requisite 3 sacks, Kevin Jones rushed the ball just three times, totaling 1 yard, and Calvin Johnson did not catch a pass until the fourth quarter–and that was his only catch of the day. The Lions rushed the ball just six times all day, and it’s become increasingly clear that OC Mike Martz will not be back next season. Only the Lions could turn a revelatory 6-2 start into something this ugly.

- One of the more impressive, unheralded streaks of this year’s NFL season has finally come to end. Jacksonville Jaguars QB David Garrard established a team record by going 231 consecutive pass attempts without throwing an interception, and was rolling along just fine on Sunday against a very fine Colts secondary until Antoine Bethea picked him off. Garrard’s Jags lost 28-25, but anyone who started him can’t complain too much about the returns in a tough matchup: 24-29, 257 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT, 1 Fumble Lost. It’s on the Jags front office to get this man some more accomplished playmakers at wideout in the offseason.

- Oh boy, here we go again: the parade of running-back uncertainty in Denver is back with a vengeance. Rookie Selvin Young got the start (7 carries, 2 receptions, 45 combined yards), but Travis “Secondhand Smoke” Henry was the fantasy breadwinner with 2 rushing TDs. He also lost a fumble and finished with a subpar 3.3 YPC, which means projecting which RB is the one to start for the next few weeks is murky at best. The Broncos take on the Chiefs at Mile High Stadium in Week 14 in what’s an absolute must-win for a team dangerously close to falling out of the playoff picture.

- I’d rather own Justin Fargas than any Denver RB at this point. In that same game Fargas carried the ball 33 times for 146 yards and 1 TD. He’s been rock-solid for the the Raiders this year and should go over 1,000 yards rushing this week or next with a 4.8 YPC on the season. Fargas has now paired over 100 yards rushing with a TD three times in the last five weeks.

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