Empty the Bench

By: Zachariah Blott

By now it’s become obvious that the NBA All-Star Game is more about recognizing the league’s most popular players, and less about awarding its most-productive players; see the latest 2010 NBA All-Star Game voting results, which have Tracy McGrady and Allen Iverson on pace to start. Thankfully, the league recognized this trend some years ago and spiced things up by adding the Rookie Challenge to All-Star Weekend in 1994. The concept got even better in 2000 when it was changed to pit rookies vs. second-year players. (Here’s a look at last year’s game.)

It’s time we had some new midseason exhibition matchups that might interest fans who aren’t still voting for 2003’s top scorers. Other sports have already experimented with different All-Star Game formats, including the NHL’s North America vs. World arrangement and MLS doing a variety of things, including Americans vs. Internationals, US National Team vs. (remaining) League All-Stars, and the League All-Stars vs. an international club team.

I present you with three alternatives to the traditional East vs. West All-Star Game, including starting lineups and game analysis were each to happen this season.

Oldie Olsons vs. Young Whipper Snappers (and Their Damned Rock Music)

Could Run for President (35 or older)
- C Shaquille O’Neal, Cleveland Cavaliers: 37 (March 6, 1972)
- PF Rasheed Wallace, Boston Celtics: 35 (Sept. 17, 1974)
- SF Grant Hill, Phoenix Suns: 37 (October 5, 1972)
- PG Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks: 36 (March 23, 1973)
- PG Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns: 35 (February 7, 1974)

Just Learning About Wine Coolers (21 or younger)
- C Brook Lopez, New Jersey Nets: 21 (April 1, 1988)
- PF Kevin Love, Minnesota Timberwolves: 21 (Sept. 7, 1988)
- SF Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder: 21 (Sept. 29, 1988)
- G Tyreke Evans, Sacramento Kings: 20 (Sept. 19, 1989)
- PG Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls: 21 (Oct. 4, 1988)

I’m picking the old guys by about 15. Sure, the youngsters are more dynamic, athletic, etc., but just look at the teams these 10 play for. You got a group of great teams and a group of terrible to so-so teams. What the oldsters lack in speed and mid-air amazingness, they make up for in guile, intelligent team-work, and knowing referees by their first names.

Blott has two more ideas for new All-Star Weekend exhibitions after the break…

Good Guys vs. Bad Guys

Mr. Nice Guys
- C Jermaine O’Neal, Miami Heat
- PF Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs
- SF Shane Battier, Houston Rockets
- SG Brandon Roy, Portland Trail Blazers
- PG Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets

Jerks and Narcissists
- PF Zach Randolph, Memphis Grizzlies: Fun with Zach includes guns, drugs, DUIs, etc.
- SF LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers: Copernicus is to the sun as James is to himself
- SF Ron Artest, Los Angeles Lakers: November 19, 2004
- G Gilbert Arenas, Washington Wizards: Three words: felony gun possession
- PG Rajon Rondo, Boston Celtics: Thinks he’s better than CP3, once decapitated Brad Miller while “going for the ball”, massive offseason disruption

This is a tough one to pick. Despite whatever Rondo thinks, the smiley faces get the backcourt edge, while the bad guys have a better frontcourt. Assuming no one is kicked out of the game for fighting (or out of the league), I’m leaning toward the bad guys; they just have too much fire power and self-righteous posturing to contend with. Maybe the two sides could just decide it with a bike race.

Deep Roots vs. Nomads For Hire

Faces of the Organization (have played at least 8 years, all with 1 team)
- PF Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs: 13th season
- PF Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks: 12th season
- SF Paul Pierce, Boston Celtics: 12th season
- SG Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers: 14th season
- PG Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs: 9th season

On the Road Again (have played for at least 3 clubs)
- C Marcus Camby, Los Angeles Clippers: 4 teams (Tor, NY, Den, LAC)
- PF Antawn Jamison, Washington Wizards: 3 teams (GSW, Dal, Wash)
- F Lamar Odom, Los Angeles Lakers: 3 teams (LAC, Mia, LAL)
- SG Joe Johnson, Atlanta Hawks: 3 teams (Bos, Phx, Atl)
- PG Andre Miller, Portland Trail Blazers: 5 teams (Cle, LAC, Den, Phi, Por)

After listening to inspiring words from Honorary Captain Kevin Ollie, the nomads will come out strong, but Kobe, Dirk, and Pierce can easily get 80 points by themselves on the way to a big win. Part of the reason for the travelers’ likely loss is that they have to simultaneously wear every jersey they ever played in, creating some seriously overheated players by halftime. Reserve Quentin Richardson is more than happy to follow the letter of this law, or the summer of 2009 would cause him some serious trouble.

Zachariah Blott cannot recommend Rick Telander’s “Heaven Is A Playground” enough.