Empty the Bench

By: Zachariah Blott

Here’s an SAT analogy for you:

NBA Draft night is to Minnesota Timberwolves as August is to ___? The Knicks!

Remember when the T-Wolves used their four first-round picks to take three points and a shooting guard? Well the Knicks are apparently trying to figure out how to get Nate Robinson, Chris Duhon, Ramon Sessions, Allen Iverson, and Jason Williams into their backcourt. They’re talking to any and all lead guards right now (outside of Starbury, of course), and I’m real curious to see how they work this next year. Sessions is clearly the best option of the three non-Knicks, but will he be added as a starter? (If so, he will be a great fantasy league pick-up.) I guess Iverson and Williams would provide “experience;” tough to say. This team is sort of shapeless, but it sure is fun watching your team hang 130 on them.

It looks like Kurt Rambis will become the new head coach of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Makes sense – not much to say about this other than good for him. That’s not why I bring the story up. It just occurred to me that Kurt Rambis, the player, is the epitome of what ironic hipsters are trying to emulate. Tight clothes. Clownish color patterns. Those oversized glasses frames form the 80′s. A mustache for no good reason. Gangly non-athleticism. I haven’t been in NYC for almost two years, but there has absolutely got to be a 24-year-old there walking around right now who’s wearing sports goggles and a #31 jersey.

The Portland Trailblazers have agreed to a max-level, five-year extension with Brandon Roy. Living in Stumptown, I’ve heard all about this craziness for the past month and cannot imagine what upper management was thinking when messing around with the amount of years on this deal. He possesses exactly zero top-notch physical skills that will deteriorate, is the unquestioned leader of a young team that finished with the second-most wins in the West, and has a squeaky clean imagine that rivals Tim Duncan. There was no question what to do if you’re Kevin Pritchard: max years, max dollars, move onto other business.

The Boston Celtics recently signed power forward Shelden Williams to a one-year contract. The former two-time NCAA Defensive Player of the Year has never lived up to the hype (he was the #5 pick in 2006), and I’m not sure playing behind KG, Rasheed Wallace, and Big Baby—yes, they’ll resign him—will help jumpstart his career.

The comments left by Celtics fans on boston.com about Williams’ signing are somehow even less encouraging. A majority of the 18 comments discuss Davis, Brian Scalabrine, or others who should be signed or traded right away. Someone was happy to see an OKC native on the C’s. There was some minor debate if he plays like he’s 6-9 or 6-10. The most positive comments suggest that Williams was brought on board to foul Shaq and Howard. I’d like to point out that he was drafted directly before Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay. Forwards Leon Powe and Paul Millsap went in the 2nd round. More on the 2006 NBA Draft here.

Forbes released their list of the 10 Most Disliked People in Sports, and one NBA player cracked the top 5: Kobe Bryant. Forbes noted that the Lakers star comes off as phony to many fans. I can’t imagine winning a fourth championship could have brought this intensity of hatred upon Kobe in 2009, so what was it? What made people think he tries too hard to say the right things without being genuine? Here’s Culprit #1.

Zachariah Blott is a teacher in Portland, not an Amish Charles Dickens character.

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