Empty the Bench

This week the Sea Hammock hit pretty close to home. As many of you know, I am, unfortunately, a Minnesota Vikings fan. We’ve had some pretty dismal losses this season and along the way we’ve seen more than our fair share of terrible calls and bumbling ineptitude. With a chance to pull into first place in the NFC North, even if only temporarily, Sunday’s loss to the Bears took the cake.

Minnesota does two things well: run the football and stop people from running the football. When you do both of those things well and still manage to give up 48 points in a loss there are a lot of fingers to point – and fantasy owners who started the Viqueens D have every right to extend their meaty digits squarely in the direction of Minnesota’s hapless secondary and (very) special teams.

On paper the Minnesota Vikings defense was one of the strongest plays of the week. They had only allowed a team to top 20 points twice this season, at Green Bay in Week 1 and at New Orleans in Week 5 (and Reggie Bush did most of that damage returning punts).

Those were both road games, but they were against solid offensive teams with strong quarterback play. This week they were on the road again, but it was in Chicago where they typically perform well. Kyle Orton has turned a corner this season, but he’s still Kyle Orton – he of the career 72.1 QB Rating and 55.5% career completion percentage. And Matt Forte has been productive, but the rookie rusher hadn’t topped 4.0 YPC since Week 1. Walter Peyton he is not.

With Adrian Peterson’s track record of abusing the Bears rushing defense Minnesota figured to be in control of the game all afternoon. There was no reason they couldn’t control the clock, dictate the pace they like (slow), and put themselves in a position to drop men back and keep the ball in front of them. Well Purple Jesus did his part, so what the hell happened guys?

“On paper” went out the window in the first quarter of a game that saw the Bears score more points than they have in a game since the Walter Peyton era. 1986, to be specific. The rush defense was actually very strong, which is frustrating because the Vikes still managed to allow a staggering 48 points that absolutely killed your fantasy team. The secondary stunk all game, allowing Orton to complete 21 of 32 passes for 283 yards, 2 TDs and 0 INTs, good for a 114.5 QB Rating. Kyle fucking Orton.

The secondary’s performance aside, the Vikings (very) special teams play that cost them the game. Well, that and Gus Frerotte’s 4 INTs… but that’s beside the point. The Viqueens allowed not one but two punts, one going each way, to be brought back for touchdowns.

The first special teams touchdown came on a comical series in the opening quarter when punter Chris Kluwe dropped a snap and had his punt blocked. Kluwe then attempted an illegal kick but managed to put it directly into the hands of Garrett Wolfe, who promptly returned it 17 yards for a touchdown. Later, Charles Gordon mishandled a Brad Maynard punt. The ball hit him and the Bears recovered it in the end zone, giving Chicago a 24-17 lead. That makes five inexcusable touchdowns allowed by Minnesota’s special teams on the season.

There’s just nothing worse than your fantasy defense taking a hit because of the hapless play of the team’s special teams. It’s maddening. But so was the performance of the Vikings as a whole on Sunday. Unfortunately there can only be one Sea Hammock of the Week. For giving up 48 points to the Bears (the fucking Bears!) in the most infuriating ways possible, you, Minnesota Vikings Defense/Special Teams, are ETB’s Sea Hammock of the Week for Week 7.

Now get out of my sight, you sicken me.

Past Sea Hammocks of the Week:
- Week 1 Sea Hammock – Tom Brady
- Week 2 Sea Hammock – Hurricane Ike
- Week 3 Sea Hammock – Ronnie Brown
– Week 4 Sea Hammock – Jason Garrett
- Week 5 Sea Hammock – LaDainian Tomlinson
- Week 6 Sea Hammock – The Entire Carolina Panthers Offense

Kyle Orton Photo from Deadspin