Empty the Bench

Professional athletes are well aware that they operate within a “what have you done for me lately?” industry. So despite being just one year removed from a Super Bowl victory, Peyton Manning has lately been relegated to thrice-daily updates in NFL knitting gossip circles about his mysterious knee injury. Not exactly yesterday’s news, but close.

Tom Brady broke every single-season NFL quarterback record imaginable last year, including one of Peyton’s former biggies (most TD passes in a season). His baby brother, Eli, stole some of his thunder by winning a Super Bowl of his own. His Gatorade-sponsor teammate Kevin Garnett won his first NBA title. And now this Michael Phelps idiot wins eight gold medals!

Well, Peyton wants a gold medal of his own and is leading the charge for American football to be added as an Olympic sport. Seriously. The best of the best Pro Bowlers vs. whichever foreign-born players are brave enough to strap on the pads and get hit harder and embarassed more than they ever have in their lives. It took the world about a decade to catch up with the U.S. in basketball once pros were added to the mix; it might take at least that long just to hold the U.S. offense under 75 points, much less win, if American football were an Olympic sport.

But hey: if you’re a U.S. gold-medal junkie, Peyton’s cause is certainly a worthy one, so help make it so by signing this petition to the International Olympic Committee (IOC). You’ll be a true Peyton Patriot.

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