We’re Not Leaving the House Until You Change: 20 Fugly Items From the NBA Store
April 4, 2008
Listen, we shop on NBA.com. They’ve got some great stuff in there. But you can’t browse around for too long without noticing they also peddle some of the most hideous pieces of fashion and home decor available anywhere on the internet. And a lot of that inevitably makes its way to the Clearance Shop.
Perhaps the NBA Powers That Be should consider exercising a little quality control when it comes to the items for sale in the NBA.com Store. I know, the piles of wasted stitching and fabric would be enough to make even the most callous sweatshop driver weep. But there comes a time when you just have to admit that you’re never going to sell any of those goddamn plush dinosaur hats…
TeamHeads Orlando Magic Mascot Hats
Pink wings, stars for antennae, a pink mohawk, googley eyes, a plush nose and an adjustable strap. Any grown man who puts something like this on his head for fun should not be allowed to breed, and any such man who actually smiles whilst wearing this piece of ridiculousness should be shot on the spot. I’m serious, I want the police to recognize that somebody who shoots that man has committed no crime against society.
Adidas Indiana Pacers Fitted Print Cap
“Boldly proclaim your allegiance” or just look like a complete douchebag with a hat thats way, way too busy and will clash with anything you could ever wear. Honestly, I need sunglasses to look at this thing.
18 more monuments to bad decision-making and bad taste after the jump…
Dreamseats Denver Nuggets Home Theater Recliner
Apparently it only costs $999 fucking dollars to have what looks like a deflated circus tent/parachute in the corner of your basement.
Biederlack Memphis Grizzlies Bedrest
FYI, “Bedrest” is an euphemism for husband pillow (also known as a boyfriend pillow). This one is in cataracts-searing turquoise with a massive grizzly bear on it. Rawwwr. Seriously, do you think they’ve actually sold one of these?
Adidas Detroit Pistons Home Cooked The Motor City T-Shirt
This one doesn’t really need much of a comment. It’s blatantly offensive to the sensibilities of anybody with a 1,000 word vocabulary, but I feel compelled to meet the man who designed this shirt and inform him that Detroit is nowhere near Mobile, Alabama.
Logoart San Antonio Spurs Ladies Starlette Watch
The only person I could ever see wearing this is Eva Longoria, and somehow I think she can afford watches that don’t have rhinestones hot-glued onto them.
Baseline Los Angeles Clippers Headboard
Looking to break up with a pesky long-term girlfriend, but just don’t have the balls to come out and say it? Buy and install a Los Angeles Clippers headboard in your bedroom. Wait for her to come home. Problem solved.
Adidas New York Knicks Stephon Marbury Infant Replica Road Jersey
Now you can befoul the proud Knicks history in the comfort of your own home by having a turd in a Marbury jersey running around.
Logoart Sacramento Kings Heart Earrings
Jackie Christie’s nine pairs represented 90% of the sales; Doug’s took care of the other 10%.
Majestic Athletic Milwaukee Bucks Oscar Robertson Player T-Shirt
Looking to get beat up this Friday? Here’s a tip: don this t-shirt prominently featuring an effeminate, reclining “Buck” on the chest and strut into the closest rough neighborhood. That should do the trick.
Sportigue Phoenix Suns Rugby Shirt
I don’t think those letters are even on straight. It’s too bad this isn’t paired with a matching pair of jogging pants—I’ve always wanted to go for the Human Orange Candy Cane Look, but never knew how to go about doing it.
Zach Randolph Hardwood Classics Portland Trail Blazers Replica Jersey
If anybody embodies the class, tenacity and grace of the early 90s Portland Trailblazers, then that man is Zach Randolph.
Adidas Miami Heat Shaquille O’Neal Game Time T-Shirt
Who is this man, and what team does he play for?
Adidas Chicago Bulls Ben Wallace Golden Nugget T-Shirt
It reminds us of one of those airbrushed t-shirts of wolves howling at the moon, but this one can’t be written off as an ironic fashion statement. Would you be punched in the gut—hard—in the streets of Chicago if the wrong person saw you wearing this?
Headmaster Minnesota Timberwolves Fashion Handbag
Speaking of wolves, nothing says high fashion like a $24 purse emblazoned with a hideous image of a growling wolf on a cheap piece of leather. These are hot on the knock-off circuit in Chinatown.
Huffy Milwaukee Bucks Team Backboard Coffee Table
On the one hand, it’s made by Huffy, so you know it’s a quality product. On the other, you need to realize you’re paying $99.99 for something you’re going to wake up on Sunday morning and try to puke into, only to realize it’s a table.
Fathead Houston Rockets Yao Ming Wall Graphic
How anybody could wake up and look at a picture of Yao making this face every day is beyond me. It’s a recipe for insanity. In Chinese prisons they blow this up and put it above the prisoner’s bed; I’d rather get waterboarded. Or even sea-hammocked.
Banner Denver Nuggets Womens Long Sleeve Stripe Tee
Ladies, if you’re going for the PMS-afflicted prospector look, this is all you.
IN-Concepts Toronto Raptors Rear Window Team Tatz
I swear to God, I will run you off the road and into a ditch if I ever see this on your car — and I frequently drive around aimlessly in the middle of the night, so…
Poolmaster Miami Heat Luxary Drifter Pool Raft
If you know this guy, go to his home, ring his doorbell, and punch him in the gut when he answers. ETB will thank you.
Posted by Andrew Thell and Brian Spencer on Apr. 4, 2008 at 10:28 am in NBA
