Empty the Bench

We’re all about the ballsy predictions here at ETB. We’re always analyzing and second-guessing other “expert” picks, but we’ll put our balls on the table, too. Crystal balls. Yes, you may see them. Look with your eyes, not with your hands though. Only we can harness the power of these magical balls. In the days leading up to Sunday’s NFL action, we both gaze into the void, transcend this earthly plane, feel the force and post the daring predictions that present themselves.

They’re probably all going to come true, but one or two of them may not. You had better believe we’ll be bragging about them when we nail it. Repeatedly. In your fat, supple face. And if/when we miss, it’ll be like it never happened. You’ll forget about it. Hey, look at me–you will forget about our misses.

It’s the latest edition of ETB’s NFL Crystal Ball, where we never pull a Homer Simpson.

Andrew’s Predictions:

1. I’ve had a deep-seated hatred for all things Falcon since 1998 when they cruelly robbed my beloved Vikings of their first super Bowl birth since 1977 (or to be more accurate, since we gave away our Super Bowl to Atlanta… damn you, Gary Anderson!). I’m starting to warm up to this Roddy White kid though. The 2005 first-round pick is having a tremendous season despite the chaos surrounding him on offense. It doesn’t seem to matter who’s throwing him the ball or who lines up opposite, he produces. This week he draws the Saints and Jason David, who have been absolutely pitiful against opposing No. 1 WRs. Mark the young man down for 6 receptions, 107 yards and a long touchdown.

2. No Colts running back has dropped 90 rushing yards or a 2-TD game on the stellar Ravens rush defense this decade. Meanwhile, Joseph Addai is floundering with a YPC south of 3.3 over the last four weeks, and his struggles continue here: 19 rush attempts for 73 yards and 0 TDs.

3. Kurt Warner has finally been cleared to play sans the medieval armor he’s been wearing on his non-throwing shoulder, so he should get the chance to play on the goal line again. That’s the good news. The bad news is that Anquan Boldin is likely out, Larry Fitzgerald is a game-time decision, and they’re on the road against a Seattle defense that can get to the quarterback. I see a 215-yard, 2-TD, 2-INT, 1-fumble game on the horizon.

4. I’ve been looking forward to this matchup since the Patriots beat Indy in Week 9. It’s clearly the biggest roadblock on New England’s remaining schedule, and it should make for great TV. There’s always a chance that the Giants spoil the perfect season in Week 17 with players resting, but New York is too unprofessional and I don’t see Belichick letting that happen. Pittsburgh and New England have shows some chinks in their armor over the last few weeks and it should be fun to see which team can exploit those weak spots to the greatest effect. I think Willie Parker ends up having a strong game with around 100 total yards and a score, but the Patriots eek out a 31-24 win.

5. Jerious Norwood plays well. Warrick Dunn plays poorly. What’s new? That Norwood is named next week’s starter after the game– just in time for your fantasy playoffs.

6. The Drew Brees we’ve come to know and (sorta) love is clearly back with 19 TD passes and 1 TD run in the last seven weeks. The Saints shouldn’t have a ton of trouble against Atlanta’s average secondary and I think Brees will go 26-for-39 for 290 yards and 3 TDs– one of them going to Devery Henderson.

7. The Tennessee Titans fail to throw a TD this week.

8. Don’t look now, but Bobby Engram has 38 receptions since Seattle’s Week 8 bye. He’s got 72 catches for 874 yards and 4 TDs on the season and leads the team in offensive yards. He’s clearly the main man in this prolific passing game right now, Deion Branch be damned. Pretty impressive for a 34-year-old receiver who had just 12 TDs in over the last seven seasons. He should find plenty of room to operate against the Adrian Wilson-less Cards this weekend: 7 receptions, 78 yards.

9. Frank Gore will find absolutely no room to run against the NFL’s best rush defense, but he will still be involved in this game. Gore will contribute enough in the passing game to reward loyal owners with 8 receptions for 75 yards and 1 TD.

10. Maurice Jones-Drew doesn’t get a lot of love from me in this space, but the last time I doled it out it worked pretty well. Here goes nothing: MJD returns a kick for a TD and catches a 35+ yard TD reception.

Brian’s Predictions:

1. Matt Hasselbeck seems to always play well at home, and that won’t change this week against a reeling Cardinals secondary missing their best player (Adrian Wilson). He hooks up with Bobby Engram (who’s been nothing short of spectacular, all things considered) six times–once in the endzone–and finishes with a season-high for completions in going 32-44 for 319 yards and 3 TDs.

2. Green Bay’s rookie running back Ryan Grant will go bonkers against the Raiders, who are sporting one of the league’s absolute worst rushing defenses over the past month or so. With Brett Favre at less than full strength, Grant gets a season high in carries (his top right now is 25), rushes for 129 yards, tacks on 37 more yards receiving, and finds the endzone twice.

3. Denver Broncos’ stud second-year wideout Brandon Marshall has flirted with 100+ yards receiving games several times this season, only to actually surpass it once. Last time he faced the Chiefs Marshall had 6 catches for 85 yards, but he’ll exceed that this time around with 7 catches for 110 yards and a score. That’ll put him over 1,000 yards receiving on the season–nice work, Brandon.

4. With high-school level defenses lining up for both squads, the Bengals and Rams combine for over 60 points, as Carson Palmer connects with all three of his skilled wideouts (Johnson, Houshmandzadeh, Henry) on TD passes and Steven Jackson records his first multi-touchdown day of the year. The Rams somehow win it (or you might say the Bungles somehow lose it).

5. With Roy Williams likely out for the season, uncertainty rules as to who’ll end up with the most fantasy value between the remaining wideouts in Detroit. Rookie Calvin “Megatron” Johnson seems the obvious choice, and over the course of the team’s next four games that may come true, but against the Cowboys it’s Mike Furrey who scores the most fantasy points by hauling in 10 passes for 112 yards and a touchdown.

6. Albert Haynesworth is back to give the Tennessee Titans defense a major boost, but LaDainian Tomlinson will still have his way. Give him 110 yards rushing (it’ll be just the fourth time this season he’s rushed for triple digits), 46 yards receiving, and a ho-hum 2 TDs.

7. Chester Taylor and Adrian Peterson both rush for over 100 yards–and both score–against the bumbling 49ers and their 27th-ranked run defense.

8. Falcons HC Bobby Petrino turns to vagabond Chris Redman as his starter at quarterback for Monday night’s game against the Saints (oh, lucky us). He will not last the entire game, with Joey Harrington coming on in relief.

9. For the second week in a row, the Baltimore Ravens are in it to the very end with a team they have no business beating. Behind a few timely sacks of Peyton Manning and two interceptions, the Ravens hold a slim lead early in the fourth quarter, only to be burned by Reggie Wayne on a 40+ yard TD reception that helps give the Colts a win. Ravens HC Brian Billick gets all Bellicky on us in the post-game press conference, again.

10. Eli Manning: 19-34, 206 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs, 7 Pouty Glances to the sideline.