Empty the Bench

We’re all about the ballsy predictions here at ETB. We’re always analyzing and second-guessing other “expert” picks, but we’ll put our balls on the table, too. Crystal balls. You can look at them, but you most definitely cannot touch them, for only we can harness the power of these magical balls. In the days leading up to Sunday’s NFL action, we both gaze into the void, transcend this earthly plane, feel the force and post the daring predictions that present themselves.

Many will come true (we’re state-certified seers), one or two of them may not. You had better believe we’ll be bragging about them when we nail it. Repeatedly. In your face. And if/when we miss, it’ll be like it never happened. You’ll forget about it. Hey, look at me–you will forget about our misses.

It’s the latest edition of ETB’s NFL Crystal Ball, where we never pull a Homer Simpson.

Andrew’s Predictions:

1. After the Jaguars lost Marcus Stroud, I decided it was a good idea to start LenDale White over Selvin Young on one of my fantasy squads last week. That didn’t go so well. LenDale rushed just 8 times for a putrid 12 yards (6 of those came on one carry, leaving 6 total yards for the other 7 rushes). It cost me the matchup, but the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man makes it up to me this weekend in Denver: 22 rushes, 108 yards, 1 TD.

2. Daunte Culpepper desperately wants to stick it to the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday after ending his relationship with the team acrimoniously (to say the least). Unfortunately, Culpepper just isn’t that good anymore, and if he tries to force it he’s going to generate turnovers, even against one of the worst pass defenses in football. Look for at least 3 of Daunte’s signature TOs. I’m half expecting a Jamarcus Russel sighting.

3. The Cleveland Browns have only beaten the Baltimore Ravens twice in the same season one time since former owner Art Modell moved the old Browns to Baltimore in 1995, and that was back in 2001. The Browns complete another sweep on Sunday: 27-17.

4. I’m a Lee Evans fan, and he traditionally shows a magical, heartwarming connection with JP Losman during the holiday season. Unfortunately, I think he has a very quiet game this weekend. Bill Belichick likes to single out the most important individuals on an opponent’s offense and game plan for them heavily, taking them out of it. In his 7 career games against New England Evans has just 14 receptions for 247 yards, good for an average of 2 catches and 35.3 yards a game. I expect 4 for 50.

5. Marc Bulger has turned it on just in time to rub it in the noses of owners who dropped him or fell out of playoff contention by sticking with him. Bulger has two consecutive games with at least 300 yards and a 91 QB Rating. Let’s go ahead and pencil him in for three in a row. The San Fran pass defense is getting worse and worse each week while the Rams offense is returning to form. I’m looking for 305 yards, 3 TDs, 1 INT.

6. One of my predictions last week was that a number of fantasy busts would break out, and many of them did, including Baltimore wideout Mark Clayton. I still believe in the kid’s physical skills and polish, and he should benefit from the QB change to Kyle Boller. Playing against the Browns this week, Clayton finishes with more catches than Derrick Mason, ending up with 7 for 110.

7. The Saints come to town the same week Andre Johnson and Matt Schaub return, but also the week the Texans lose their best player in the secondary. Dunta Robinson’s absence means Houston has nobody to keep up with Marques Colston, David Patten and Devery Henderson, which should lead to a very healthy day for Drew Brees: 290 yards, 2-3 TDs.

8. John Beck gets his first NFL start for the winless Dolphins this week, and he gets to face off against the Eagles and Jim Johnson’s shifting blitzes and coverages. It’s not an ideal situation for a first game, but the Philly pass defense was exploited a bit last week and Beck isn’t a typical rookie: he’s 26 years old. I’m projecting 235 yards and 1 TD.

9. At some point in the next ten years, an NFL team is going to do it. They’re going to sign a Grizzly bear to play defensive tackle, and though he’ll draw plenty of penalties, the bear will absolutely dominate the line of scrimmage. It will change the way we think about football.

10. The San Fran secondary is in decline, but they have done a good job against opposing No. 1 wide receivers thanks to the efforts of one Nate Clements. If Bulger is going to make my previous prediction come true, that means a big day for guys like Steven Jackson, Isaac Bruce, Drew Bennett and Randy McMichael in the passing game. I’m especially fond of McMichael this week, and I think he has something in the neighborhood of 6 receptions, 50 yards and a 50/50 chance to score.

Brian’s Predictions:

1. He’s only played in the first two games of the season due to injury, but Texans’ stud WR Andre Johnson picks up where he left off. Against the very-beatable Saints secondary at home, and with Matt Schaub back behind center, Johnson reminds everyone why he’s considered an elite talent: 6 catches, 118 yards, 2 TDs.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers tight end Heath Miller has 5 touchdowns in his past five games and averages over 3 receptions/per. Against the hopeless Jets, Miller scores and catches 4 passes–all in the first half.

3. With Deion Branch likely back in the Seattle Seahawks’ WR mix, Matt Hasselbeck will have his entire wideout arsenal at his disposal for the first time all season. The streaking ‘Hawks throw the ball 40+ times against the average Bears secondary, and Hasselbeck finishes with over 300 yards passing and 3 TDs.

4. Trent Dilfer is back, baby, and this time it’s personal. Dilfer again gets the starting nod at QB for the San Francisco 49ers, who average league-lows of 11.6 points and 218.6 total yards/per. The Rotund Wonder & Co. draw the Rams this week, who give up nearly 28 points a week–except on Sunday. Dilfer turns it over twice, he’s sacked four times, and the Rams hold San Francisco to just 10 points.

5. The Jacksonville Jaguars yielded 141 yards rushing and 2 TDs to the Colts during their last home game almost a month ago. The Chargers have a pretty good back named LaDainian Tomlinson, and he has one of those massive fantasy days that make his owners grin like the Cheshire Cat: 150 combined yards and two visits to the endzone.

6. The Giants need a big day from their hulking running back, Brandon Jacobs, who carries an amazing 5.2 YPC into Motown for a tilt against the Lions that could have wild-card implications for both squads. Detroit’s defense can be run on, but they’re a much better unit at home than on the road, and if they give up big yards it’ll be to Eli Manning. Jacobs is held under 70 yards rushing (but might get a goal-line TD).

7. Coming off a career season in which he racked up 1,500+ combined yards and 6 TDs, Minny Vikings RB Chester Taylor has been aching for an opportunity to again be “the guy” after being relegated to backup status since the birth of Purple Jesus. He makes the most of AP’s absence by scoring twice and posting about a 4.5 YPC. He also catches 5 passes for 48 yards.

8. The Miami Dolphins are still winless and the New England Patriots are still undefeated heading into Week 12. But since that’s not exactly a bold prediction, I also think Buffalo covers the 16-point spread.

9. Anquan Boldin hasn’t done much over his past three games (14 catches, 94 yards, 0 TDs combined), so he’s happy to see the Bungles and their 28th-ranked pass defense. Give him 9 catches, 102 yards, and 1 TD.

10. Packers WR Ruvell Martin finds that dirty perv with the death grip on his power tool and asks him to kindly refrain from doing it again, unless he can do something about those clammy hands of his. And by the way, after scoring twice in Week 11, Martin will not find the endzone against Carolina.