Empty the Bench

We’re all about the ballsy predictions here at ETB. We’re always analyzing and second-guessing other “expert” picks, but we’ll put our balls on the table, too. Crystal balls. In the days leading up to Sunday’s NFL action, we both gaze into the void, transcend this plane, feel the force and post the daring predictions that present themselves.

Many will come true (we’re pretty good), one or two of them may not. You had better believe we’ll be bragging about them when we nail it. Repeatedly. In your face. And when we biff it, well, you’ll have to remind us about it, because we won’t be bringing it up.

Ladies and Germs, it’s ETB’s NFL Week Ten Crystal Ball.

Andrew’s Predictions:

1. Stevonne Smith is in the midst of his worst season since the lost 2004 campaign. Jake Delhomme isn’t anything special, but at least he can deliver the ball. David “Take the Damn White Gloves Off” Carr cannot. The fantasy gods are merciful at times though. Smith wants revenge for that Week 3 matchup with the chatty DeAngelo Hall, and it appears Carr will miss this week’s game. Meanwhile, Vinny “Tecmo” Testaverde returned to practice and is poised to start. He may be 43 years old, but in Vinny’s only other start this season Smith posted 10 receptions for 136 yards and a score. If Vinny gets the nod again, Smith catches 6 balls for 90 yards and another TD–his first in a month.

2. With the help of family and friends, NFL good guy Chris Henry puts that ugly incident with the overly belligerent and aggressive valet behind him and manages to find the endzone this weekend. The Ravens struggle against wideouts of his ilk, and Henry posts his typical 3 receptions for 40 yards and 1 TD.

3. Brett Favre does what he does best this weekend: torment and irritate Minnesota Vikings fans. Somewhere between the showy audibles and egregious fist pumping, Brett manages his third consecutive 300-yard game and tosses a pair of touchdowns.

4. He’s likely to find himself on benches and waiver wires in thousands of fantasy leagues (which has to hurt), but Marc Bulger finally posts the type of game he was drafted for. The dude has just 3 TD passes to go with 8 INTs and a 64.3 QB Rating on the season, I know. But the Saints secondary (Jason David in particular) can be exploited, and playing in the Superdome for the first time in his career Bulger manages 270 yards and 3 TDs with 2 INTs.

5. It’s getting hard to ignore the fact that San Diego Chargers running back Michael Turner has averaged at least 5.2 yards per carry in every season of his career, and averages 6.0 yards a carry during his NFL tenure. Still, he’s managed over 45 yards rushing just once this season. He gets that on one carry this week, scoring from long distance and finishing with 60 yards and a TD. It’s shades of 2005 Week 15.

6. Chad Johnson is going to be just fine, but he doesn’t finish this contest against the Ravens.

7. Why would I get off the Lee Evans bandwagon now? He’s been too good to me and my Crystal Ball predictions. I owe him one. Evans finishes with 7 receptions for 103 yards (not 102) and a TD.

8. Predicting a strong Peyton Manning performance may be facile, but I’m going to do it anyway. After being embarrassed by Brady and the Pats last week, Peyton blows up against San Diego here. Don’t believe for one minute that the idea of being the NFL’s second-best QB sits well with Manning. He makes a statement: 300 yards and 3 TD passes.

9. I called two Fast Willie Parker TDs last week. That didn’t go so well. In fact, he had his worst game of the season. I’m going to let the chips ride on black though: Parker scores a pair this week.

10. The storyline of the week? Maligned and underperforming stars who were drafted to be fantasy studs finally come through for their owners, but for most it’s too late to save the fantasy season. Even Laurence Maroney manages 2 TDs in his touch football league.

Brian’s Predictions:

1. More touchdowns and plenty o’ receptions again hide the fact that Reggie Bush is not a great running back between the tackles and still hasn’t rushed for over 100 yards during any game all year. He finishes with 68 yards rushing, 5 receptions for 55 yards, and two touchdowns–both on swing passes from Drew Brees.

2. Donald Driver has been quiet–real quiet–lately, but that all changes against a Vikings secondary he loves to torch (15 catches, 290 yards, 1 TD combined in ’06). After five weeks without a 100-yard receiving game, or a TD, the nine-year vet heats up with 7 receptions, 120 yards, and 1 TD.

3. Marshawn Lynch is rolling and there’s no stopping him, at least if you’re wearing a Dolphins uniform on Sunday. The Bills’ rookie stud follows up his career day against the Bungles in Week 9 with another strong effort, rushing 22 times for 117 yards and 2 TDs.

4. Lynch’s counterpart in Miami, Jesse Chatman, is sadly the best offensive player right now on their roster. The Bills defense underwhelms on the road, and he takes advantage by posting over 100 combined yards and finding the endzone in the first half.

5. The Redskins dominate the Iggles in front of a crazed home crowd, sacking Donovan McNabb four times, shutting down everyone not named Brian Westbrook, and moving their record to 6-3 with a 24-10 win.

6. Jon Kitna wins the “I’m a Better Christian and Football Player than You Battle” with Kurt Warner in Arizona. Warner throws 2 TD passes–both to Anquan Boldin–but turns it over twice and is sacked four times. Kitna counters with 2 TD passes of his own, but throws just one pick and only takes two sacks. Lions win by 7.

7. With Shaun Alexander hobbled and badly sucking, the Seattle Seahawks all but abandon the run against the 49ers. Matt Hasselbeck attempts 40+ passes, throws 3 TD passes, and tops 300 passing yards for the third time this season. One of those TDs goes to Bobby Engram.

8. The maligned Chicago Bears defense completely overwhelms the Raiders offense, sacking Josh McCown five times, forcing three turnovers, and giving Brian Griese & Co. excellent field position all day. The defensive dominance does not translate to the final score: Chicago 13, Oakland 3.

9. Rookie Kolby Smith gets more carries and records more rushing yards against the porous Broncos’ rush defense than Priest Holmes, who gets the start and the goal-line carries, but a YPC somewhere under 3.5.

10. I’m surprised Andrew didn’t touch this one, seeing as how he’s got this really… thorough shrine in one corner of his apartment dedicated to Purple Jesus now. Really, you should see it: probably about 25 photos of Adrian Peterson flexing with his shirt off, a few candid shots of AP off the field, and one… um… I hope he doesn’t mind me sharing this… one where he photoshopped himself sitting next to AP on a bench, alone in a deserted park, just the two of them. They both look happy. Really happy. In his follow-up to setting the NFL’s single-game rushing record, Peterson gets 94 yards and 1 TD.

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