Empty the Bench

We’re all about the ballsy predictions here at ETB. We’re always analyzing and second-guessing other “expert” picks, but we’ll put our balls on the table, too. Crystal balls. In the days leading up to Sunday’s NFL action, we both gaze into the void, transcend this plane, feel the force and post the daring predictions that present themselves.

Many will come true (we’re pretty good), one or two of them may not. You had better believe we’ll be bragging about them when we nail it. Repeatedly. In your face. And when we biff it, well, you’ll have to remind us about it, because we won’t be bringing it up.

Ladies and Germs, it’s ETB’s NFL Week Nine Crystal Ball.

Andrew’s Predictions:

1. I know this isn’t baseball, but Lee Evans is a second-half player. Over his career he has 0 TDs in September, 4 TDs in October, 7 TDs in November and 14 TDs in December. Hey, maybe it’s the influence of J.P. Losman? In his career Losman has thrown 3 TDs in September, 5 TDs in October, 7 TDs in November and 13 TDs in December. Whatever. They both have strong games against the Bungles secondary on Sunday, connecting for 2 TDs and Losman plays well enough to give himself another shot at the starting gig.

2. You may have never heard of him, but Adimchinobi Echimandu doesn’t care. He’s going to rush for 60 yards and a TD anyway.

3. In the middle of a season that has been defined by great yardage and a dearth of touchdowns, Willie Parker has a bizarro day. He finishes with 65 or fewer rushing yards, but he manages to find the endzone twice.

4. Right now, the New England Patriots are the best football team of the last 15 years. Period. So why do I have a feeling Indianapolis will cover the spread?

5. Rudi Johnson and Kenny Watson are both relatively healthy heading into Buffalo this week, and the scuttlebutt is that they’ll be splitting carries all game. Most people still consider Rudi the starter, but he sure hasn’t played like one recently, averaging just 3.0 yards a carry this year after only 3.8 YPC last season. Meanwhile, Watson has looked explosive at times and at least competent in all phases of the Bengals’ offense, and after gaining 85 total yards to Rudi’s 30, he’s the starter next week.

6. It’s going to be an interesting game between the Jaguars and the Saints, but I don’t think the Jags will get much going through the air and the New Orleans rushing attack will grind to a halt. The end result is a 19-17 win for Jacksonville.

7. After watching a few Redskins games earlier I came away impressed with Jason Campbell. He’s not there yet, but he seems to have the physical tools and presence to be a solid NFL QB. Unfortunately, the stats just haven’t been there and Campbell has just 6 TDs to go with 6 INTs in seven games thus far. He draws the Jets on the road this week, one of the worst pass defenses in football, and I foresee 260 yards and 2 TDs from the young man.

8. I tell ya what, Santana Moss has burned me this season. Both in fantasy leagues and in my prognostication here. I can’t help myself though; I see him lined up across from David Barrett and Darrelle Revis and I can’t imagine Moss not taking at least one short pass and making a huge gain out of it. I’ll be conservative though: 4 receptions, 80 yards, TD.

9. Now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I’m pretty sure that guy who kept buying me drinks the other night was gay. And his friend, the one who was also bought me multiple drinks, I think he may have been gay as well.

10. Against a defense that has allowed and NFL-most 18 receiving TDs, D.J. Hackett makes his triumphant return to the Seahawks lineup with 4 receptions for 55 yards and a score.

Brian’s Predictions:

1. LenDale White is on a roll and feeling confident, and that won’t change after he carries it 25 more times against the Panthers, finishing with 123 yards rushing and 1 TD. Titans win again despite less than 125 yards passing, again, from Vince Young.

2. We don’t mention kickers very often here on ETB, but this Houston at Oakland “ughfest” leaves me no choice: quarterbacks aside (and maybe even included), Texans’ K Kris Brown posts the most fantasy points of any player on either team.

3. In Detroit, Travis Henry gets the start and bulk of the carries out of the Broncos’ backfield, but it’s impressive rookie Selvin Young who scores the team’s first and only rushing touchdown of the day.

4. Also at Ford Field, Calvin “Megatron” Johnson imposes his will on ex-Lion Dre Bly, breaking a feeble tackle attempt and taking it into the endzone. In fact, Megatron scores twice.

5. Three passing touchdowns for Ben Roethlisberger against the Ravens; one goes to Hines Ward, one goes to Heath Miller, and the last to… wait a second, this one is fuzzy… a swing pass to Fast Willie Parker.

6. A week after being named the starter, Packers rookie RB Ryan Grant fails to lock it down for good after being outperformed by Vernand Morency, who scores.

7. Against the NFL’s worst defense (the Browns are allowing 410 yards/per), Seahawks RB Shaun Alexander finally ends his five-week touchdown drought and posts about a 4.0 YPC.

8. Only in the stubborn mind of Falcons’ embattled, first-year HC Bobby Petrino can Warrick Dunn still be considered the team’s starting running back after Jerious Norwood posts a healthy 5.7 YPC, catches 5 passes for 50 yards, and finds the endzone.

9. Philip Rivers throws 3 touchdown passes against the swinging-door secondary of the Vikings, including one to Vincent Jackson, who was held without a catch in Week 8 but bounces back with a fine overall effort here: 4 catches, 74 yards, 1 TD.

10. My ETB fantasy team gets screwed again, somehow, some way. Last week Team Brian (a shameful 2-6) needed an overtime TD from either Donald Driver or James Jones to win our crucial Week 8 matchup… and then Favre throws it down the field… he has a receiver wide open (!!!)… and it’s… Greg Jennings. That’s the kind of year it’s been in that league.