Empty the Bench

We’re all about the ballsy predictions here at ETB. We enjoy analyzing and second-guessing other experts’ picks, but we’ll also put ourselves on the line. So in the days leading up to Sunday’s NFL action, we’ll both be peering into our fantastical crystal ball and posting the daring predictions that present themselves.

Many will come true, but more of them will not. That’s why we’ll be bragging about them when we nail it. Repeatedly. And when we biff it, well, you’ll have to remind us about it because we won’t be bringing it up. Ladies and Germs, it’s ETB’s NFL Week Eight Crystal Ball.

Andrew’s Predictions:

1. Against the Vikings two weeks ago, Devin Hester showed that his inhuman speed and preternatural vision can be just as deadly when he lines up as a wide receiver. The Bears are trying to get him more and more involved, and this week Hester grabs 4 passes for 75 yards and a TD.

2. While Channing Crowder adjusts to the culture shock, he’ll also be dealing with a bad case of Brandon Jacobs. Jacobs is poised to go off in this game against an already hapless defense missing Zach Thomas: 125 total yards, 2 TDs.

3. When you drafted Lee Evans, you knew you were taking a streaky player. A guy who would go for long stretches without producing, then come out of nowhere to win you a couple games. Somehow everybody has forgotten the man only had 1 TD through eight weeks last season and still managed to finish with 8 TDs on the year. Against the Jets corners, this is one of those magical weeks when Evans wins your matchup for you: 8 receptions, 140 yards, 2 TDs.

4. Chris Chambers should have little trouble adjusting to his new team as the Chargers run the same basic offense as the Dolphins. HC Norv Turner has said he’s ready to go, and Chambers proves it by catching a touchdown while San Diego makes every effort to get him involved in his first game.

5. Oh, and Chris Chambers’ new BFF Vincent Jackson grabs one as well.

6. It’s going to be a big day for Cleveland tight end Kellen Winslow in the Edward Jones Dome. The Rams don’t have any linebackers, safeties, hell, even corners who can keep up with this guy: 7 receptions, 90 yards, 1 TD.

7. I don’t mean to pile on the 0-7 Dolphins, who lost their starting quarterback to a concussion, traded away their top wide receiver for a draft pick and saw their franchise player go down with a dreaded ACL injury. But aside from those offensive woes, after losing both starting safeties to injury they also have the worst pass defense in football. Eli Manning finds Plaxico Burress for a TD early, and winds up with 350 passing yards and 3 TDs.

8. The Pittsburgh defense is sound against the run and the pass, so we don’t expect a big day from the Bengals offense. I do, however, foresee Kenny Watson punching in a 2-yard touchdown. By the way, I think the starting job is his for a while.

9. Yes. That guy has totally been staring you down the last three times you walked past him. Yes, it looks like he wants a confrontation of some sort and at this point fisticuffs seem inevitable. Do not let him dictate the terms of your combat. The next time you see him, play it cool until he’s so close you can smell his aftershave. Then, BAM! Come at him like at him like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows.

10. Forget about a balanced offense. The Philadelphia Eagles will throw on at least 65% of their offensive plays, and put up big yardage through the air. Donovan McNabb finishes 34-46 for 360 yards and 2-3 TDs.

Brian’s Predictions:

1. Relieved to finally face a weak rushing defense, Bills super-rookie Marshawn Lynch enjoys a career day against the Jets, who are without the services of starting LB Jonathan Vilma. Mark Lynch down for 136 yards rushing, 2 TDs, and another 34 yards receiving.

2. After sitting out last week with a quads injury, Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young comes out with a vengeance, scoring an early rushing TD and leading the team to three first-half scores. LenDale White carries it another 23 times and finds the endzone for the third week in a row.

3. It’s finally upon us, Laurence Maroney owners: in extended action at home against the Redskins, the second-year back goes over 100 yards and gets his first TD of the season.

4. The St. Louis Rams flirt with the possibility of winning their first game of the year by actually scoring more than 20 points, but the Browns’ offense outdoes them by putting up 34, led by two Braylon Edwards touchdowns. Browns 34, Rams 24.

5. Days after stating that his horse’s workload would increase, Vikings HC Brad Childress is true to his word. Adrian Peterson has more touches than he has all year, carrying it 26 times and catching 5 passes. The ball is fuzzy here, but it says something around 155 combined yards and two scores.

6. Detroit Lions’ missile Ernie Sims is involved in a late turnover (interception or fumble recovery) that helps seal an improbable road win in Chicago.

7. Green Bay Packers’ RB DeShawn Wynn rushes for 75 yards and 1 TD against the Broncos.

8. The Saints thump the 49ers in San Francisco, led by Marques Colston (6 catches, 101 yards, 1 TD), Reggie Bush (124 combined yards, 2 TDs), and a steady Drew Brees.

9. Ben Roethlisberger’s line: 23-30, 288 yards, 3 TDs

10. On four separate occasions after Trent Edwards makes a play, cameras pan to disposed starting QB J.P. Losman standing on the sideline looking sullen (but pretending to be busy doing something with a clipboard).