Empty the Bench

Philadelphia Inquirer columnist David Aldridge doesn’t understand why more basketball fans aren’t embracing the San Antonio Spurs. There’s just so much to like, he reasons, from Manu Ginobili’s flopping clutch shooting to Tim Duncan’s mastery of post-up moves. They have a coach who enjoys drinking wine and a, um, former 76er in Bruce Bowen.

Perhaps most of all, however, Aldridge says starting point guard Tony Parker is one of the main reasons why NBA fans should be drawn to the Spurs’ methodical brand of winning games and championships. I mean, c’mon, Tony P is engaged to a B-actress, people!

“I don’t consider myself boring,” Spurs guard Tony Parker said this week. And on the surface, how could you argue? He plays an exciting, get-in-the-paint style. He may be the quickest guard in the league with the ball. He has a repertoire of electric moves around the basket. He’s good looking, well-paid, multilingual.

And he’s engaged to Eva Longoria.

“I just think we play solid,” Parker said. “We play just like real basketball. Sometimes people get used to Golden State and Phoenix, and that’s more exciting than us. I’m not going to tell you the opposite. But I think we play solid basketball, and people who really enjoy basketball, they’re going to enjoy watching us play.”

We’re on board with you, Mr. Aldridge. We’ve long harbored a secret crush on the French gangsta rapper, and now it’s time to let the rest of the world know it. Tony P’s butt? A rock-solid hunk of burning desire. His triceps and abdominal obliques send chills up our spine. And that adorable little face of his that makes us fondly think of Gollem, our favorite character from Lord of the Rings? Oooooooh, someone turn the heat down in here!

Listen up, America: the Spurs have a very good chance of advancing to the NBA Finals again next week. It’s essential to come up with at least one reason to root for them to go all the way. Tony P’s libidinous good looks and carnal sex appeal is as good an excuse as any to tune in, turn down the lights, and slowly munch on some popcorn as you watch that sexy Frenchman dart in and out, in and out, of the lane.