Empty the Bench

Because of that guy on the corner with the “The End is Near” sign, you already knew that God’s messenger was on his way to our humble little planet sooner or later. We had no idea, however, that this blessed angel would take the form of a mediocre NBA head coach with slicked-back hair before greenlighting the apocolypse.

Seattle SuperSonics head coach Bob Hill could be fired by owner Clay Bennett after leading his team to a last-place, 31-50 record this season. When asked about the possibility of being axed, however, Hill revealed he’s impervious to death, and that it doesn’t matter what happens:

“I’m not going to die,” he said after Tuesday’s practice. “I’ve got a wonderful family that loves me to death. I just had my first grandson yesterday. I’ve got a beautiful home in Texas. So I’m not going to die.

When pressed further, Hill insinuated that if he is indeed canned by Bennett, the Sonics’ owner will be the one to blame if “mankind never gets a chance to find out what that smoke monster on Lost really is all about.” Asked to clarify, Hill just smiled and said “Let’s just say it all doesn’t have to end this early.” Choose life, Mr. Bennett, choose life! Help us, Obi-Bennett, you’re our only hope.

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