Empty the Bench

Wait, that’s not entirely accurate. According to New Jersey’s Superior Court Judge Joseph Falcone, it’s actually okay to down a shot of Sambuca for breakfast, pop two Valiums, then punch the clock and hop on your Zamboni. If you want to drink beer and vodka immediately following a spin on the ol’ Zamboni, that’s fine too. Ahhhh, only in New Jersey:

A judge ruled the four-ton ice rink-grooming machines aren’t motor vehicles because they aren’t useable on highways and can’t carry passengers. Zamboni operator John Peragallo had been charged with drunken driving in 2005 after a fellow employee at the Mennen Sports Arena in Morristown told police the machine was speeding and nearly crashed into the boards. Police said Peragallo’s blood alcohol level was 0.12 percent. A level of 0.08 is considered legally drunk in New Jersey.

Peragallo, 64, testified at his trial that he did drink beer and vodka, but not until after he had groomed the ice. However, he told police he had a shot of Sambuca with his breakfast coffee and two Valium-pills before work.

Grow a pair, John. Everyone knows that any Zamboni driver worth a damn takes at least five Valiums, drinks coffee with the Sambuca (not the other way around), and brings along a flask of Johnnie Walker for a spin around the rink. Sheesh, get with the program.