Empty the Bench

Professional sports mascots. They thrill with their springboard dunks, amuse with their cumbersome yet jolly appearances, and delight with their clever and lighthearted antics. Yes, they’re all fun and games . . . until the lawsuits come. The Indiana Pacers mascot, lovingly referred to as ‘Boomer’, is named in a lawsuit stemming from a March 11, 2005 game against the Golden State Warriors. Apparently Boomer got physical with Pacers fan Nathaniel Jackson, who was asked to partake in a free-throw shooting contest during a timeout when the alleged assault took place.

Jackson, who is in his mid-20s, initially declined, saying he was recovering from back surgery but was assured that “there would be no reason for concern or injury,” according to the lawsuit, which was filed March 2 in Marion Superior Court.

After taking part in the free-throw contest, the lawsuit states that Jackson began to leave the basketball court but was tackled from behind by the team’s mascot, “Boomer,” a 6-foot-tall blue cat with gold whiskers.

The employee who knew about Jackson’s back surgery immediately told the mascot about the surgery, and Boomer responded by kicking at Jackson’s legs, the lawsuit alleges.

Boomer responded by kicking at Jackson’s legs? What an asshole. I think we can learn a lesson from all of this. The next time you are confronted by an overzealous mascot, don’t let it use peer pressure to convince you to participate in anything you’re not comfortable doing. And don’t let its dopey looks fool you–that’s what they want. Stay on your guard, and never turn your back on it. The moment you do, baff comes the blow to the head, and you’re down. Then the kicking starts.

No, when confronted, treat a mascot as you would any other large, wild animal. Raise your arms above your head, shout at it, jingle your keys loudly and clap your hands. Mascots are 95% bluff, and the best way to make them back off is to convince them you’re not falling for it.