Empty the Bench

Dude, seriously, enough is enough is enough. Shut your hole. Shut it now, and don’t open it again. Ever.

From Metroville via Deadspin comes news that America’s all-time favorite murderer, the one who just can’t help but gloat about getting away with killing his ex-wife and her boyfriend, has tossed his knife, ergh, hat into the ring of suitors vying for Anna Nicole Smith’s moolah. No, seriously: O.J. Simpson thinks his super “slow-moving sperm,” as he so eloquently describes it, could have spawned the most talked-about baby since Jesus.

A photographer by the name of Norm Pardo, who has over 70 hours of Simpson footage compiled over 5 years (don’t ask), recently had this to say about The Juice:

“He said he knew Anna Nicole pretty well, and he said he had slow-moving sperm, and he might be the father.”

Just to clarify, if Simpson’s hypothesis is true, that means his sperm takes approximately 12 years to actually pregnate a woman once implanted. Simpson and Smith were castmates in 1994′s “blockbuster classic” The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult. Pardo continues:

Simpson also joked to Pardo, “I hope they don’t do a DNA test on Anna Nicole’s baby. If they find out Dannielynn is mine, I don’t want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money -or the baby herself.”

Oh, O.J., you are such a kidder! Hilarious! OMG, that jerk father of the man you slashed up better stay away from the money your slow-moving sperm rightfully earned!

Hopefully FOX will now consider a reality show starring O.J. Simpson, Pacman Jones, and Ron Artest wherein they’re locked in a house for 2 months with an unlimited supply of knives, drugs, and dogs to see what happens when nutjobs stop being polite, and arrested, and start being real.
Our money is on the Tru Warrior.

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