Empty the Bench

Former Major League Baseball player and all-around gentleman John Rocker popped up in the news today when he was listed as a client of Applied Pharmacy, which is linked to the illegal sale of steroids. Poor guy—after everything else he’s been “put through,” now he might have to deal with another potential headache (for his part, Rocker has denied any involvement).

Most everyone is well up to speed with Rocker’s checkered past, but just in case you’re not (and, okay, because we just love posting his infamous quotes), the 32-year-old pitcher became the butt of a million jokes back in 2000 for the following quotes and behavior:

On living in New York City:

“It’s the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you’re riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It’s depressing.”

On ESPN.com writer Jeff Pearlman:

“Jeff Pearlman is who he is: a liberal Jew from New York. He’s one of their own, who spent a couple of hours with me, pulled things out of context, and you’re trying to create a persona of an individual when you don’t know them.”

Rocker had also been heard mocking Asian women, been seen spitting on a Georgia toll booth, and called his African-American teammate Randall Simon “a fat monkey.” You already know all about this, it’s old news, whatever. Just saying.

Still, it just wouldn’t be right of us to to neglect Rocker’s recent efforts to, well… make immigrants speak English. To help prove he’s making positive contributions to the American Way, last September Rocker launched his “Speak English Campaign,” which he says is “not to demean or degrade other cultures or nationalities, but instead to bolster American nationalism and promote pride in the American culture.”

We’re not sure how we missed this, but there’s probably a few more of you out there that did too. You can read the whole 1,400-word mission statement here, as well as buy your very own “Speak English” t-shirt. Personally, I’m getting one for every member of the family, and might distribute them at the office, too. Heck, the guys down at the burrito joint would love one. It’d be a great way for me to, as John put it, remind them not to become an “unassimilated immigrant who seems to care more about recreating the culture of his homeland than accepting the culture of his new country.”

Once your shirts arrive, don’t forget to mail them to Debi Curzio at PO Box 670927, Marietta, GA, 30066 for a John Rocker autograph. Actually, his website says you can send “an item” to be autographed… hmmm… sounds like an invitation for creativity to me.

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