Empty the Bench

…and the NFL’s general managers awoke, and proclaimed, “let thy spending commence! Guards! My checkbook please!”

- The St. Louis Rams inked former Tennessee Titans wide receiver Drew Bennett to a 6-year, $30 million deal on Saturday. Bennett is a dangerous downfield threat who should push Isaac Bruce down the depth chart a bit, and will provide insurance in case WR Kevin Curtis bolts for the Detroit Lions. The Titans had better be targeting a wide receiver in the April draft; even though Bennett never seemed to develop a rapor with Vince Young, the Titans don’t have much behind him.

- The New England Patriots made an unexpected splash during the first few days of free agency, signing highly coveted linebacker Adalius Thomas to a long-term deal that certainly helps shore up their defense. In other minor moves, the Pats also brought in veteran tight end Kyle Brady (big deal!) and career backup running back Sammy Morris. Morris, if you take away any significant carries from Laurence Maroney, we will not be happy. And you don’t want to upset Empty the Bench. No how, no way. It looks like the Pats have also signed former Dolphins WR Wes Welker to an offer sheet. We officially think that Kodos and/or Kang have taken over the body of Pats’ Vice President of Player Personnel Scott Pioli.

- QBs Jeff Garcia (Philadelphia Eagles) and Jake Plummer (Denver Broncos) are now Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Well, Garcia definitely is, but Plummer has reportedly been mulling retirement rather than join the Bucs. Jake, you’re a grown man now, it’s time to get your priorities straight: first worry about shaving that woodsman bear and trimming your hair, then you can tell us you’re pulling a Keith Van Horn and taking the year off.

- Just imagine the thundershowers Pacman could create with all of this cash money! Cornerback Nate Clements became the highest paid defensive player in NFL history yesterday, hooking up with San Francisco 49ers to the tune of $80 million over 8 years. Sheesh. He’s good, but not $80 million good.

- As speculated last week, linebacker London Fletcher-Baker has moved from Buffalo to Washington, signing a 5-year, $25 million contract with the ‘Skins. Fred Smoot could also be joining him. If we were to guess what Smoot had to say to the Redskins during his visit, we’d guess it was something like: “Hey, I’m Fred Smoot. Fred Smoot just got cut by the Vikings, because Fred Smoot isn’t a #3 cornerback. Look, if you want Fred Smoot on your team, Fred Smoot is probably willing to join your team. If you ask Fred Smoot, Fred Smoot would say he can still be a productive player in this league. Yep, that’s what Fred Smoot says.” (reference).

- The Bills signed a bunch of fat men offensive lineman, bringing in former Redskin Derrick Dockery for 7 years, $49 million, as well as tackle Langston Walker (didn’t he date Lisa Simpson once?) and Jason Whittle. Thrilling.

- Kris Dielman, one of the better free-agent lineman on the market, reupped with the San Diego Chargers before a breakfast meeting with the Seattle Seahawks. Must have been those LT O’s he was eating. Very high in bran, apparently.

- The Detroit Lions traded defensive end James Hall to the St. Louis Rams for a fifth-round pick. They also cut DT Marcus Bell and TE Marcus Pollard.

- The Tennessee Titans didn’t feel like paying running back Travis Henry his $8.3 million bonus, so they cut him in hopes of bringing him back sans said bonus. Don’t count on it.

- The Cleveland Browns shored up their offensive line by giving former Cincinnati Bengals guard Eric Steinbach a ridiculous 7-year, $49.5 million deal. Man, did all the NFL GM’s get together last night, try to drink each other under the table, and wake up with hella hangovers that have impaired their judgement? Or perhaps they just hooked up with Pacman and got some of the good stuff; even by NFL standards, some of these contracts are downright wacky.

There’s been quite a few other deals made, and there’s surely more being talked about and worked on as I write this. You know the usual sources to keep up on all the titillating action until our next update: ESPN, NFL.com, Yahoo!, sports talk radio, your NFL-obsessed neighbor across the street, and, of course, cousin Kirbert.

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