Empty the Bench

By Andrew Thell and Joel Martin

On Tuesday, August 31, the dons of Empty the Bench joined friends and peers for the annual football nerd-out fest that is the ETB Fantasy Football League Draft. This year’s draft was one of the most challenging, stressful test of wills to date with 12 teams, 15 rounds of picks, and no kickers to thin the field out. Over the next few days we’ll reveal the results team by team, and take a quick look at how each one fared; compare and contrast with your league, and let us know your take in the comments section.

Disclaimer: many of our team names are lewd, childish, and downright stupid. We make no apologies for this.

Team:

Kindergynocoloog (Picked tenth overall)

The Picks

1. (10) Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay Packers
2. (15) Shonn Greene, RB, New York Jets
3. (34) Pierre Thomas, RB, New Orleans Saints
4. (39) Steve Smith, WR, Carolina Panthers
5. (58) Malcom Floyd, WR, San Diego Chargers
6. (63) Matt Forte, RB, Chicago Bears
7. (82) Santana Moss, WR, Washington Redskins
8. (87) Chris Cooley, TE, Washington Redskins
9. (106) LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, New York Jets
10. (111) Jabar Gaffney, WR, Denver Broncos
11. (130) Vince Young, QB, Tennessee Titans
12. (135) Laurent Robinson, WR, St. Louis Rams
13. (154) Philadelphia, Team Defense
14. (159) Dustin Keller, TE, New York Jets
15. (178) Christopher Ivory, RB, New Orleans Saints

Best Value:

Matt Forte, RB, Chicago Bears: It was a rough year for Forte owners in 2009. The consensus first-round fantasy pick managed to play in every game, but a sprained knee and hamstring injuries still slowed the second-year rusher. Forte finished with fewer rushing yards, touchdowns, receptions, receiving yards and receptions while sporting an uninspiring 3.6 yards-per-carry and only managed to score four TDs.

This year Forte is healthy again and ready to assume the Marshal Faulk role in Mike Martz’s offense. Forte has looked great in preseason action, including an 89-yard TD run that simply would not have happened on that balky knee last season, and #22 poised to flirt with a top-ten season at the position. Injury concerns still loom though, so it’s unfortunate this team couldn’t lock-up Forte’s excellent backup Chester Taylor.

Biggest Reach:

Malcolm Floyd in round 5, Chris Cooley in round 8 and Jabar Gaffney in round 10 could all be called reaches. That isn’t to say I dislike any of these players, but all three could probably have been had a round or two later than where they went off the board. The 6’5″ Floyd has the chance to be a stud in San Diego with Vincent Jackson out for the year and Cooley, who is coming off a down year and got a major upgrade at QB, was the last viable TE on the board though. That leaves Gaffney. While it’s true Gaffney should break camp as Denver’s No. 1 wideout, that doesn’t necessarily mean much in this offense with Kyle Orton under center and more promising youngsters on the roster. Also, he’s Jabar Gaffney.

ETB’s Take:

It’s a solid team. Aaron Rodgers in the first round set the tone for the draft, and it could be a back-breaker if the upgraded offensive line can’t protect him this year. Vince young has upside, but he’s not a reliable backup for a team with title hopes. However, there’s also a good chance Rodgers throws 30-40 TDs and leads this squad to the postseason. The early rounds are loaded with bounce-back candidates and up-and-comers, though there are a lot of questions marks and the wheels appear to come off around the 10th round, leaving the bench barren. Being active on the wire will be key.

Extensive comments from Kindergynocoloog after the break…

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By Brian Spencer

On Tuesday, August 31, the dons of Empty the Bench joined friends and peers for the annual football nerd-out fest that is the ETB Fantasy Football League Draft. This year’s draft was one of the most challenging, stressful test of wills to date with 12 teams, 15 rounds of picks, and no kickers to thin the field out. Over the next few days we’ll reveal the results team by team, and take a quick look at how each one fared; compare and contrast with your league, and let us know your take in the comments section.

Disclaimer: many of our team names are lewd, childish, and downright stupid. We make no apologies for this.

Team:

Butt Cheese (Picked eleventh overall)

The Picks

1. (11) Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Pittsburgh Steelers
2. (14) Calvin Johnson, WR, Detroit Lions
3. (35) Jahvid Best, RB, Detroit Lions
4. (38) Dallas Clark, TE, Indianapolis Colts
5. (59) Brent Celek, TE, Philadelphia Eagles
6. (62) Ronnie Brown, RB, Miami Dolphins
7. (83) Santonio Holmes, WR, New York Jets
8. (86) Terrell Owens, WR, Cincinnati Bengals
9. (107) Kenny Britt, WR, Tennessee Titans
10. (110) Eli Manning, QB, New York Giants
11. (131) Vincent Jackson, WR, San Diego Chargers (?)
12. (134) Alex Smith, QB, San Francisco 49ers
13. (155) Willis McGahee, RB, Baltimore Ravens
14. (158) Miami, Team Defense
15. (179) Michael Jenkins, WR, Atlanta Falcons

Best Value:

Jahvid Best, RB, Detroit Lions: I’m allowed to be a homer, alright? This is right around the area where Best has been going and probably should be going, but in the past week the dynamite rookie’s value has gotten higher and higher. It’s a mild surprise that he lasted this long; I actually considered him with the 26th-overall pick, but ultimately couldn’t pass up on Greg Jennings. Though I’m not sure I buy this lofty praise just yet, don’t forget Best is currently ranked 27th on the Yahoo! Big(ger) Board. As I said earlier this week in my assessment of the Detroit Lions’ fantasy prospects, this sky is the limit with this kid and we could easily be talking about him as an early first-rounder next year.

Santonio Holmes is also a great get in the 8th round; hearing Jets head coach Rex Ryan say that Holmes “might be the best player on the field” during this week’s episode of Hard Knocks should assuage any concerns about Holmes missing the first four games of the season. He’ll make up for it, if his immature quarterback can get him the ball, that is.

Biggest Reach:

Brent Celek, TE, Philadelphia Eagles: We’re big fans of Celek and think he just might be the safest bet for steady production in the unproven, high-upside entity that is the Iggles offense. With Matt Forte still on the board, however, as well as arguably the last of the semi-viable QB1s in Brett Favre and Joe Flacco, doubling up on TEs one round after taking clear-cut TE1 Dallas Clark seems like a scramble pick. Celek is a real luxury pick here in a spot when a need could have been addressed. Of course, maybe the plan all along is to start Clark at TE and Celek at W/T.

ETB’s Take:

Butt Cheese raised a few eyebrows with his selection of Mendenhall over Drew Brees, but we all have our own rankings, and he clearly had him rated higher at that spot; always hard to argue with somebody’s first-round pick no matter what. I obviously love the Megatron and Best picks, and the roll of the dice on the trio of Holmes, Terrell Owens (ain’t what he used to be, but you can’t count him out in a competition of one-upsmanship with Ochocinco) and Vincent Jackson (will he play or won’t he, and if he does, where?) is one that could pay huge dividends.

This team is going to compete and should push for a playoff spot, especially if Ronnie Brown stays healthy, Best blossoms as many think he will, and at least one of the Holmes/Owens/Jackson trio breaks out. Quarterback could prove to be the Achilles’ heel, however, especially if you’re not a fan of Manning (like us).

Comments from Butt Cheese after the break…

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By Brian Spencer

On Tuesday, August 31, the dons of Empty the Bench joined friends and peers for the annual football nerd-out fest that is the ETB Fantasy Football League Draft. This year’s draft was one of the most challenging, stressful test of wills to date with 12 teams, 15 rounds of picks, and no kickers to thin the field out. Over the next few days we’ll reveal the results team by team, and take a quick look at how each one fared; compare and contrast with your league, and let us know your take in the comments section.

Disclaimer: many of our team names are lewd, childish, and downright stupid. We make no apologies for this.

Team:

Ol’ Fay (Picked twelfth overall)

The Picks

1. (12) Drew Brees, QB, Ne Orleans Saints
2. (13) Ryan Mathews, RB, San Diego Chargers
3. (36) LeSean McCoy, RB, Philadelphia Eagles
4. (37) Anquan Boldin, WR, Baltimore Ravens
5. (60) Mike Sims-Walker, WR, Jacksonville Jaguars
6. (61) Ahmad Bradshaw, RB, New York Giants
7. (84) T.J. Houshmandzadeh, WR, Seattle Seahawks
8. (85) Heath Miller, TE, Pittsburgh Steelers
9. (108) Steve Breaston, WR, Arizona Cardinals
10. (109) John Carlson, TE, Seattle Seahawks
11. (132) Nate Burleson, WR, Detroit Lions
12. (133) Steve Slaton, RB, Houston Texans
13. (156) Mario Manningham, WR, New York Giants
14. (157) Baltimore, Team Defense
15. (180) Kevin Boss, TE, New York Giants

Best Value:

Heath Miller, TE, Pittsburgh Steelers: Now entering his sixth season, Miller remains one of the more underrated tight ends in fantasy football as he comes off a career-best effort in ’09 that saw him catch 76 passes for 789 yards and 6 TDs. That’s 28 more receptions than he had the previous year, an indication that Roethlisberger and the offensive coaching staff have more faith in him–and perhaps need to lean on him–more than ever. You can’t argue with drafting a quality, every-week starting TE at the top of the eighth round; Miller clocked in behind Jason Witten last year by less than 2 fantasy points in our scoring format.

Biggest Reach:

T.J. Houshmandzadeh, WR, Seattle Seahawks: Though you just never know with aging possession receivers like Housh–see Derrick Mason–reports of out Seattle training camp have been dismal concerning the former Bengals great. The Seahawks’ offensive line remains porous, we have little faith in Matt Hasselbeck (who coincidentally turns 35 years old the day before Housh turns 33, later this month), and with this team likely going nowhere this season, don’t be surprised if snaps are gradually, steadily, taken away from Houshmandzadeh and given to youngsters like Deon Butler, Golden Tate, even “Big” Mike Williams.

Summary:

A great deal of pressure goes with having two picks in a row–you have to nail both of ‘em because you won’t get a chance to make amends for another 23 selections. Drew Brees and Ryan Matthews were logical picks at 12th and 13th overall–we’ve seen both go earlier in the first round–and Ol’ Fay did well to grab Mike Sims-Walker and Anquan Boldin in the fourth and fifth rounds to solidfy the receiving corps. We love the upside of Ahmad Bradshaw at the top of the sixth.

After Brees, though, there are a number of question marks here. How well, and how quickly, will Boldin mesh with his new team and new quarterback? Can LeSean McCoy carry the fulltime load? Now in his pivotal third season, will Sims-Walker take the next step, or flatline in a shaky Jacksonville offense? Who’s going to put up big fantasy stats, consistently, besides Brees?

An interesting team built on a solid foundation, but depth and a possible lack of a home-run threat are concerns that might need to be addressed. Ol’ Fay needs one or two of those post-eighth round fliers to pan out.

By Brian Spencer

The Detroit Lions have been rewarded for their magnificent ineptitude over the past decade with a series of top-10 NFL draft picks, picks which they’ve mostly spent on offensive skill positions. Charles Rogers, Joey Harrington, “Big” Mike Williams, Roy Williams, Kevin Jones… these are all guys that fantasy players have targeted at one point, and all guys who’ve mostly fallen off the radar and even out of the league entirely. I’m sure somebody out there has Big Mike, who looks to have played his way back into the league via the Seattle Seahawks, on their sleeper list this season; good luck with that.

The days of the Detroit Lions being a fantasy football butthole may soon be over, however.

I can’t remember the last time there’s been this much legitimate fantasy (and real-life) buzz surrounding the Detroit Lions’ offense. There’s some serious upside here, folks, and the discussion has to start with Megatron Johnson, who’s coming off a solid but unspectacular 2009 season in which he grabbed 67 catches for 984 yards and 5 TDs in 14 games.

Johnson enters his fourth year primed to finally join the NFL’s elite group of wide receivers. He’s been there, physically, since the day he entered the league as the second-overall pick in the ’07 draft, but for various reasons–let’s just call it being a Lion–his tantalizing talent hasn’t yet fully surfaced. It will this year.

Adding TE Tony Scheffler and WR Nate Burleson into the mix will help keep defenses more honest by preventing them from double-teaming and overly shadowing Johnson’s side of the field. By all accounts Bryant “Golf Cart” Johnson is healthy and having a much better camp than last year–he should be a decent WR3 and deep threat, though he’s irrelevant in fantasy terms–while hulking TE Brandon Pettigrew, a late first-round pick last year, seems to be inching closer and closer to full strength after suffering a season-ending knee injury in Week 12 last season.

It’s crucial for these four guys to make an impact and to help take the pressure off Johnson to do it by himself. If they do, and if Johnson stays healthy, I expect an improvement on his strong totals from ’08 season, when he finished with 78 receptions for 1,331 yards and 12 TDs.

Johnson will be the first Detroit Lion off your fantasy draft board; more on who’s draftable and where you should take them below. Rookie RB Jahvid Best will be the second one, and I’m buying the hype from writers such as Yahoo! Sports’ Count Funston, who has him ranked a lofty #27 overall on his latest Big(ger) Board, ahead of proven fantasy studs like Greg Jennings, Miles Austin, Matt Schaub, and Tom Brady.

In addition to a strong preseason showing, Best’s meteroic rise up the preseason fantasy rankings can be attributed to two factors going in his favor:

- A favorable comparison to consensus top pick Chris Johnson. They’re both absolute burners, both hit open holes without dancing or hesitating, both can catch passes out of the backfield, and both are home-run threats (see Best’s 51-yard run, his only carry of the game, against the Cleveland Browns on Saturday). Johnson is a bit bigger at 5-11 and 200 pounds, but not by much with Best measuring 5-10 and 195. Nobody is saying Best is the second coming of Johnson, not yet anyway, but the similarities are there and just like the NFL is a copycat league, so is fantasy football. I’ve also heard comparisons to Marshall Faulk.

- He’ll line up as the starting running back behind an improved offensive line, a true franchise quarterback, and alongside a potentially potent cast of WRs and TEs–and he’ll have little competition from his backups for carries. Tireless worker and good teammate though he is, incumbent starter Kevin Smith never had much burst to begin with and has been unimpressive so far this preseason as he works his way back from a serious knee injury. Maurice Morris is a veteran vagabond who’s on the roster bubble; he’s battling second-year back Aaron Brown and journeyman DeDe Dorsey for that third spot.

Can Best handle a full workload though? That’s probably the biggest question we’re all anxiously waiting to get answered. Johnson has proved he can do it, and there’s an undersized ex-Lion named Barry Sanders (5-8, 200 pounds) who did it too, so I’m not convinced that size is the issue here. If, like Johnson and Sanders, Best can avoid taking too many big hits, we could easily be talking about him as a top-five fantasy pick next season. Johnson averaged about 22 carries per game last season, Steven Jackson about 21, and Maurice Jones-Drew just under 20: I’m looking for Best to average between 18 – 20 in his rookie season.

Finally, just how high is the fantasy ceiling for Matthew Stafford in his second season? I’ve already ticked off the weapons he’ll have at his disposal, but perhaps the most encouraging development we’ve heard about in training camp and seen on the preseason field is his improved accuracy. Coming out of Georgia a precocious 21 years old, Stafford completed just 53% of his passes (201 of 377) during his rookie campaign, but through limited action in three preseason games he’s been an efficient 34-46 for 332 yards, 3 TDs, and 1 INT while taking very few hits in the backfield. Of the 14 drives he’s led, 10 have ended in scores.

He’s also continuing to develop a nice rapport with Megatron, as Browns DB Sheldon Brown noted on Saturday: “Those two believe in one another even if Calvin is covered. (Stafford) believes that he is going to make the play, and he did it tonight for him.”

Though I saw him go as a QB1 in one mock draft, it’s still too early to bank on Stafford as your fantasy team’s top quarterback, especially since he can usually be had somewhere in the 8th – 10th round. I’ve got him at the top of my QB2 list, however, both because of his value as a potential trade chip if he gets off to a hot start, and because there’s a real possibility he could become a quarterback who’s somewhat interchangeable with the guy you drafted as your QB1, based on who has the stronger matchup.

Where to Draft Your Detroit Lions

+ Calvin Johnson, WR: Fantasy players drafting between 9th – 12th overall should strongly consider Megatron with their second-round pick. We think this year’s crop of preseason stud WRs is smaller than usual, and because of that I love the idea of pairing a Randy Moss or Reggie Wayne with Megatron. He likely won’t make it past the 18th overall pick.

+ Jahvid Best, RB: If you like him, put your balls on the table and take him in the top half of the third round while you still can. My colleague Mr. Thell thinks that’s too high, but if you want him, that’s the price you’ll have to pay because he’s not lasting much longer. I’m sure everybody in the ETB league is expecting me to take him 26th overall; we’ll see, guys.

I’m always leery of rolling with a rookie as my RB1, but there’s plenty of depth this year at running back to supplement the risk. Just be sure to grab some quality depth if you take the plunge here.

+ Matthew Stafford, QB: Over the past two weeks Stafford has gone from a guy who’ll almost definitely be on the board in the 10th or 11th round to one who’s being drafted more and more frequently in the 8th or 9th. If you invest in one of the six elite QBs, don’t reach on Stafford unless he’s there in the double-digit rounds; otherwise this kid could be a great value in the 8th or 9th.

+ Nate Burleson, WR: A poor man’s Derrick Mason who gets the job done with little fanfare, Burleson is getting little respect on draft day this year after two straight so-so seasons with the so-so Seahawks. Still just 29 years old, Burleson has great hands and runs crisp routes and should be on your radar, especially since he’ll likely still be there in the nebulous 13th and on rounds.

+ Brandon Pettigrew, TE: The uncertainty about his knee and the addition of Scheffler has plummeted Pettigrew down the draft board. This kid is a beast, though, and was coming on strong midway through his rookie season before going down. He’ll be there in the 14th or 15th round and is a fine TE2 with upside, especially for those with a stud entrenched at the TE1.

+ Tony Scheffler, TE: Throw out last season and think back to the 2007 and 2008 seasons when the former Bronco averaged 45 catches for 597 yards and 4 TDs. He will be involved in this offense–sometimes split out, a la Dallas Clark–and I have him ranked ahead of Pettigrew.

Don’t worry, it’s coming… don’t worry, it’s coming…

By Brian Spencer

In the wacky world of David Kahn, Darko Milicic has morphed into an athletically inclined religious deity, an angel in a buzzcut sent to this earth to resuscitate the bumbling Minnesota Timberwolves franchise through miraculous feats of scoring, rebounding, and shot-blocking. In the infamous words of Kahn himself, Milicic is, literally, “like manna from heaven.”

Now safely secured in Minnesota for 4 years and $20 million, after The Kahn won a contentious bidding war with the night manager at Burger Buddy in Belgrade for the unrestricted free-agent’s services, Milicic will finally blossom into that filthy inside-outside threat we heard about and drooled about 7 years ago, when he was but a millionaire baby boy, a true rags-to-riches heartwarmer from the streets of Novi Sad in the former Yugoslavia.

With the ball, he’ll wheel and deal in the post with the grace of a ballerina and the skill of a blind electrician. He’ll nail spot-up jumpers from the top of the key, pop out behind the three-point line to keep unwitting (and totally overmatched) defenders honest, and in the post… oh, me oh my, here’s where The Darko will be truly feared. A seven-footer who plays like a ten-footer, with tree trunks as arms and a battle-hardened mentality developed in New York during his successful tenure with James Dolan’s battle-hardened Knicks.

Without the ball, he’ll roam the middle of the paint like a lion hunting maimed impala, intimidating, flexing, scowling, a mean motherfucker who takes shit from nobody: not Chris Wilcox, not Fabricio Oberto, not Brian Skinner. Nobody goddamnit. This is maximum fucking Darko in your fucking face; it won’t be safe for children under the age of 18 in the Target Center anymore, so leave the kids at home, all you season-ticket holders.

Darko is not the only Phoenix The Kahn has summoned from the ashes of sub-mediocrity, however, to lead His Holy Reclamation.

On a team overloaded with point guards (and one overseas point guard prospect, the nubile Ricky Rubio), The Kahn performed the only sensible act any capable GM would: he stirred the backcourt logjam by trading Ramon Sessions, the team’s prized free-agent signee last year, to the sadsack Cleveland Cavaliers for… point guard Sebastian Telfair and combo guard Delonte West (whom will be bought out, and will spend said buyout money on 25 new Beretta M9s and a small militia of armed monkeys to patrol the grounds of his house).

With Sessions gone, and last year’s lottery pick Jonny Flynn recovering from hip surgery and searching for his missing “H”, and Rubio set to hit puberty in Spain, The Kahn will hand the keys to the Timberwolves’ clunker over to blockbuster free-agent signee Luke Ridnour, who was taken 12 picks after Darko (14th overall) in the 2003 NBA Draft. Shrewdly and silently, while all the offseason accolades have been showered on the Heat for bringing in three lottery picks from that famous ’03 draft, The Kahn has acquired two lottery selections of his own. Eat the corn kernels from his shit, world, The Kahn has bamboozled the lot of you.

Speaking of the Heat, The Kahn played them like the obvious chumps they are in giving up shits and giggles for Michael Beasley, the second-overall pick of the 2008 NBA Draft. The Kahn said everything you ever need to know about Beasley: “He’s a very young and immature kid who smoked too much marijuana and has told me that he’s not smoking anymore, and I told him that I would trust him as long as that was the case.” The Kahn was fined $50,000 by the league for his comments, but you can’t put a price on trust.

Joining Beasley on the frontlines will be fellow newcomer Nikola Pekovic, who may or may not also be immature and lie about not smoking pot. A second-round pick in ’08, Pekovic is a 6-11 machine who Kahn reportedly thinks could also develop into “manna from heaven.” ESPN enthusiastically summed up the Pekovic/Darko signings: “The Timberwolves spent $33 million to shore up their middle.”

These moves meant there was no more room for Al “Scapegoat” Jefferson, the centerpiece of the Kevin Garnett trade. He was kicked out of town for being relatively young, quite affordable, and very talented in exchange for two future first-round picks and Kosta Koufos, whom the club expects to bond with Darko nicely. The club realized that Jefferson, of course, is no Pekovic, a sentiment echoed by Zach Harper of A Wolf Among Wolves:

“Nikola is impressively efficient in scoring the ball in the post. The fact that his lowest field goal percentage is 57.4% should tell you a lot about his patience and ability to get off quality shots inside. There’s not a lot of wasted movement. For the last couple of years, we’ve been used to watching Al Jefferson pump fake eight times before awkwardly getting his shot off. It went in more than it rimmed out for a rebound opportunity but it wasn’t the most efficient way to get a good flow in your halfcourt offense. But with Pekovic, you’re going to get direct movement that gets the ball into the basket in the quickest and most proficient way we’ve seen with this franchise.”

There you have it: Pekovic is already better than Al Jefferson before he’s played in a single NBA game. It’s The Kahn’s world, and we’re just lucky to live in it laugh at it, right Chris Webber?

We’re still here; we’ve just been busy.

Some of you may have noticed that updates have been fewer and further between the past month or so, and for that we do apologize for keeping you in the lurch. As much as we might like to be, we are not machines, not even cyborgs, so we’ve been taking somewhat of a deep breath to recharge, travel, and get some sun. Everybody needs a break now and again, but don’t worry, we’re not going anywhere and I’m sure we’ll be ramping back up again soon.

I was away for 5 weeks traveling abroad in Sri Lanka, the Maldives, and South Africa, and since coming home about 2 weeks ago have been rather busy with some travel writing. If you’re interested, I have a few short blog posts up on Lonely Planet about my time in Sri Lanka, the Maldives, and Kruger National Park; another one to follow shortly on Cape Town. A few months ago I also joined up with the award-winning online travel magazine Perceptive Travel and am writing weekly columns for the blog; all of them can be found here.

While I was away, longtime ETB contributor Zachariah Blott branched out on his own and launched Hoops Karma, a move which we announced a few weeks ago. Zach is obviously focusing a lot of his time and attention on his site, but will still be dropping by periodically to say hello and shit on Kobe. Hey, it’s a dirty job but somebody has to do it, right?

As for Andrew Thell, my partner in crime here at ETB, he was last seen on a frisbee golf course in Florida, NY, marveling at my putting skills and asking for tips on how to improve his midrange game. He also mentioned something about a lightsaber and has developed a F’real addiction.

In summary: We are here. We are not going anywhere. We thank you for reading. Come back soon.

Toodles,

Brian Spencer
Editor & Co-Founder

By Zachariah Blott

The World Cup kicked off Friday morning in host country South Africa, and with that the NBA Finals were completely forgotten by about 90% of the globe (including, ahem, your faithful editors at ETB). The Cup has and probably always will trump the NBA Finals in most parts of the world when it comes around every 4 years, so maybe it’s time the NBA’s players stopped swimming against the tide and joined in.

What if Team USA had access to a time machine and could start training the NBA’s future stars in the ways of the world’s most popular sport instead? Who would they target and for what positions? Lucky for you I pondered these questions and have some answers.

Here are your NBA members of the hypothetical 2010 World Cup champs (if Team USA soccer actually had a time machine, and, well, didn’t actually use it to help humanity):

Goalie: LeBron James

With his size, hops, and quick-twitch speed, LeBron would probably be the best goalie in the world. He’d pounce on any opponents who dribble their way into the middle, could block shots close to the goal that require lightning fast reflexes, and he’d easily snatch any crosses that were intended for headers anywhere in the box. His aggressive attitude would fit his massive frame well, controlling the penalty area to the point of intimidation.

Center Fullbacks: Ron Artest and Chris Andersen

Center fullbacks have to control the area in front of the goalie so that opponents never get an easy look to score. They need the physical and mental toughness to stand up to any world-class forward, and they need enough speed to cover up anything that slips by the fullbacks out on the wings or the midfielders. Not only that, they are usually two of the team’s taller players so that they can head looping crosses out of harm’s way. I’d say Artest and Andersen are just about the perfect combination of size, toughness, and attitude to ensure no one ever gets a clean look at the goal.

Left and Right Fullbacks: Monta Ellis and Russell Westbrook

You need fullbacks on the wing who are fast and annoying and all over anything that the opponents are trying to develop from the outside. They have to be relentless on defense and willing to push ahead quickly with the ball when the opportunity presents itself for a counter-attack. Ellis and Westbrook possess all the natural skills necessary, plus they’re both more than able to pester opponents into making bad decisions with the ball, or to turn poor passes into quick strikes the other way.

The rest of the NBA FIFA World Cup 2010 team after the break…

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We’ve all been there: one drink too many, starving, and nothing’s open except the shitty overpriced deli on the corner. Most people suck it up and boil some noodles at home, but Seattle Seahawks rookie WR Golden Tate recently had a serious case of munchies that couldn’t be satiated with just any everyday perishable from the pantry.

After a night out with friends, Tate, in true Homer Simpson fashion, couldn’t pass up a steaming tray of hot maple bars sitting temptuously in the window of his local Top Pot. The only problem? Top Pot was closed.

By: Andrew Thell

For Diamondbacks fans and Dan Haren owners Tuesday’s turn at Dodger Stadium offered a chance to come down off the ledge. 2010 has been a disaster for the ace thus far, with his ERA standing at a bloated 5.35 in 74 innings coming into Chavez Ravine. That is not what we signed up for back in May when drafting the 29-year-old ace, myself included. In fantasy you’re always supposed to wait on pitching unless the hurler in question is a true difference maker in the ratios, and Haren had proven he was just what with 216 innings of 3.33 ERA, 1.13 WHIP and 206 Ks in 2008 followed by a truly elite 3.14 ERA, 1.00 WHIP and 223 Ks in 229.1 innings in 2009. Coming into the season there was little question Haren had transformed himself into an ace with a strikeout rate and WHIP that had improved in each of the last five seasons.

Then this season happened.

I managed to get the Diamondbacks feed for Tuesday’s tilt and it was one of the few times in my life I was actually glad I didn’t draw the venerable Vin Scully’s mellifluous commentary for a Dodgers game. That’s because Arizona announcers Daron Sutton and Mark Grace spent a bulk of the broadcast dissecting Mr. Haren, a topic I was acutely interested in. Despite a woeful ignorance of and aversion to advanced stats, they still provided useful information in discussing a mechanical adjustment Haren had made between starts to stay on top of the ball through his motion, allowing him to better keep it down in the zone and below the belt-line – something that had been a problem resulting in an uncharacteristic 16 HRs allowed in just 12 starts (and 8 in his last 2). The results seemed to speak for themselves as Haren did keep the ball down, striking out 7, inducing grounders with regularly, not giving up any deep flies of note and putting goose eggs on the board for 8 innings.

It was an encouraging start to say the least. Less encouraging was manager AJ Hinch’s handling of his ace. Hinch sent him back out there to face the heart of a dangerous Dodgers order for the 8th inning of a tie-game, putting Haren in a position to potentially unravel the confidence he had built through 7 stellar innings and pushing the struggling star to a career-high pitch count of 127. It was a terrible decision, but it worked out – at least until Haren’s next start versus Atlanta, where I hope the excessive pitches don’t catch up with him, or later in the season, where I pray the workload doesn’t eventually shelve Haren. Throughout the season Hinch has proven himself a clown in his handling of the pitching staff, bullpen included, but that’s beside the point.

Setting concerns over Mr. Hinch’s managerial ineptitude aside, a look under the hood shows that we really shouldn’t have been that worried about Haren even before the strong performance in LA. He’s now at 83 Ks in 82 innings, good for a career-high 9.11 K/9, the best mark of his career and a strong indication there isn’t a lingering injury. Haren’s BABIP on the season is .342 and he has a 17% HR/FB, both up drastically from his career .302 BABIP and 11.2% HR/FB. Those are two more strong indications bad luck are playing a huge role in the current bloated ERA and WHIP.

Other than a not-easy schedule for the remainder of June (vs. ATL, vs. STL, @ DET, vs. NYY, @ STL) I don’t see any reason to think Haren can’t build on Tuesday’s performance and start turning in the type of quality starts (and Quality Starts) we’ve grown accustomed to over the last few years. Of course, there is the ominous late-season split Haren has built up (3.28 ERA, 1.09 WHIP, .231 BAA pre-All Star break; 4.21 ERA, 1.32 WHIP, .277 BAA post-All Star break in 1,300+ career innings). But I don’t buy into that dramatic a difference at this point in his career – I think it’s something that will iron out over time, and this is likely a year where he posts an inverse split which starts that process.

Bottom line: Diamondbacks fans can exhale, owners of Haren will want to hold on to their investment and keep trotting him out there (except perhaps for that start against the Yanks), and any fantasy owner in need of front-line pitching help the rest of the way should have been trying to buy low for a couple weeks. Make your offers now, the window of opportunity is closing here. There’s no guarantee Haren won’t throw up a couple of stinkers, but there’s also no reason to think he’s not the stud fantasy owners spent that third- or fourth-round pick on.

By: Andrew Thell

Loyal Empty the Bench readers have grown accustomed to the work of regular NBA contributor Zach Blott over the last year. Zach signed on last season to cover the NBA with his unique perspective and has been delivering the goods on a consistent basis since. Readers have come to know Zach’s hallmarks: strong research, solid statistical analysis, a desire to look past the big name and easy storyline, an affinity for team play, rebounding and defense and … an undying distaste for Mr. Kobe Bean Bryant.

We’ve been proud to host Mr. Blott’s work over the last year as he’s tackled NBA-related issues from Grizzlies GM Chris Wallace’s insanity to the 2009 NBA Summer League to the very best and worst in NBA logos to the top NBA stories of the decade to the the NBA MVP race for perimeter players and post players to his controversial statistical analysis of LeBron James’ foul totals to his stellar Advanced Basketball Statistics 101.

We’ve grown quite fond of Zach’s strong contributions all over the site, as I’m sure all of you have, and so we are proud to announce that Mr. Blott has founded an NBA-specific website of his own. The new digs will be dedicated exclusively basketball news and the site goes by the name Hoops Karma. HK examines the why’s and how’s of the NBA and discusses observations of trends and happenings in-depth. Hoops Karma has already been mentioned on ESPN2′s SportsNation and given Mr. Blott’s skills and work ethic I have little doubt this is just the beginning for him. So bookmark Hoops Karma, add it to your RSS feed and follow HK on Twitter.

To get you started, some recent quality posts on Hoops Karma include:

- Lakers’ Fortunes Rest on Bynum’s Knee
- NJ’s Summer Decisions Will Make or Break the Next Five Years
- Don’t Forget About Shaq In This Free Agent Market
- Is Bad Luck a Thing of the Past In Washington?
- Hoops Summer Reading List

Check it out, you won’t regret it.

From both of us here at ETB, we wish you the best of luck Mr. Blott.

By: Andrew Thell

Back in late May I picked out four former MLB stars who were looking to regain some of their lost luster and made a case for why they just might do so. The four players in question were former sluggers Adrian Beltre and Vladimir Guerrero and erstwhile aces Ben Sheets and Francisco Liriano. So far those gentlemen are doing pretty well on the whole. Let’s take a peek under the hood.

Ben Sheets is always an injury concern, but the move to the Oakland Coliseum, a spacious park with some of the most generous foul territory in baseball, and his natural talent gave reason for optimism. The results so far have not been good – a 5.04 ERA, 1.57 WHIP and .278 BAA aren’t paying the bills. However, a closer look at the game log reveals that Sheets gave up a combined 17 runs, 19 hits and 5 HRs in back-to-back starts on the road against AL East offensive powerhouses Tampa Bay and Toronto. Pitchers don’t get to take starts back, but if a fantasy owner would have benched him in those extremely unfavorable matchups he’d have gotten a 2.65 ERA out of Sheets to date.

Perhaps more appropriately given the initial reason for the optimism, Sheets has thus far put up a 2.50 ERA, 1.28 WHIP and 2.14 BAA with 32 Ks in 36 IPs at home. Sheets has been a disappointment, but that’s a split worth exploiting if you have the roster space. He’s likely a free agent in your league, and while he’s been a bust overall to this point, Sheets is still worth spot starting in juicy matchups at home.

The other pitcher, Francisco Liriano, is coming off a strong 7-inning, 7-strikeout, 2-run performance against the Yankees and has a much more friendly overall line on the season. After a dominant winter ball and spring training, there was optimism Liriano had finally regained the pre-Tommy John surgery form of 2006. Nine starts into the season the Twins’ 26-year-old has a 3.17 ERA, 1.29 WHIP and 59/19 K/BB ratio in 59.2 innings pitched. Not too shabby. As a Twins fan I can tell you that Liriano passes the eye test as well. He still gets flustered and loses his focus, but I haven’t seen Frankie hit 95-97 on the gun with his fastball or induce so many strikeouts looking with the slider and change since that 2006 campaign. It doesn’t look like luck, either. Liriano’s .339 BABIP is slightly above his career .314 mark and his 3.36 xFIP is only a hair above his current ERA. The force of nature we saw in 2006 may never return, but the 2.87 BB/9, 48.8 GB%, 75.8 LOB% and 8.90 K/9 make Liriano only a bit worse and still an upper-echelon starter. Health is a concern, but if you own Liriano it’s probably time to play the matchups and just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Looking under the hood of Vlad Guerrero and Adrian Beltre, after the jump …

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